


You're Already Breaking My Heart

by kpowell123



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, to all the boys i've loved before - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-01-25 18:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18580390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpowell123/pseuds/kpowell123
Summary: Clarke loved Finn first. She was friends with him before Raven even spared him a passing glance. But that was a secret she was going to take to the grave. Or so she thought.A To All the Boys I've Loved Before AUA Round 1 Winner for Best Fluff Over 8,000 Words in the 2019 Bellarke Fanwork Awards! Thanks for all the love :)





	1. Everything's Changing

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written anything for The 100 before, but I was bored and this seemed fun, so I'm going to see it through!
> 
> I don't know how I ended up watching a show as bleak as this, so I guess this is my way of dealing with it. I've also obviously taken liberties with some of the characters and their relationships, but I feel like it works. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never written anything for The 100 before, but I was bored and this seemed fun, so I'm going to see it through!
> 
> I don't know how I ended up watching a show as bleak as this, so I guess this is my way of dealing with it. I've also obviously taken liberties with some of the characters and their relationships, but I feel like it works. Enjoy!

Clarke knows what happens next. She hears someone call her name, and when she turns around, it’ll be the one person she’s been hoping it would be from the start. She’s right. It’s Finn. He smiles, wearing that stupid leather jacket that went out of style years ago, but he refuses to give it up. She goes toward him, struggling to walk in the heeled boots she wouldn’t normally wear. They meet halfway. Finn takes her in his arms and--

“Clarke!” Madi shouts, hitting her with a pillow.

Clarke bolts upright. It was just a dream.

“I’m awake!” she responds, snatching her pillow from her little sister’s hands.

“No you weren’t! Mom says it’s time for dinner.” With that, Madi bounds out of the room.

Clarke rubs her eyes and stands up. She heads to her mirror to check that her hair doesn’t look too slept on. She takes a hair tie off her desk and puts her hair half up. The doorbell rings as she leaves her room.

When she reaches the bottom of the stairs, her older sister Raven is opening the door for Finn. Finn plants a kiss on Raven’s lips, ruffles Madi’s hair, then gives Clarke a fist bump. The usual routine. Until Finn sniffs the air.

“Is something burning?” he asks.

“Mom!” Raven calmly calls out as she hurries into the kitchen. Everyone follows her. Raven always stays calm. Clarke will never understand how she does it.

They find their mom pulling a dish out of the oven. It doesn’t look salvageable.

“I never did figure out how to perfect that pot pie your dad used to make,” Abby says, placing the dish on top of the stove. “I can deliver babies, but I can’t cook dinner! How does that make sense?”

“Mom, you didn’t have to do anything special.” Raven turns on the kitchen fan to air out the smoke. “We could’ve gone out to dinner or ordered a pizza.”

“It should be special, it’s our last dinner all together before you leave for college.”

“In Ireland!” Madi adds.

“It’s special just because you guys are here,” Raven smiles.

Clarke waits for their mom to get misty eyed as she takes Raven in her arms and kisses her forehead.

“So is pizza still an option?” Madi finally asks.

Half an hour later, everyone is sitting around the dining room table with their pizza.

“Raven, are you almost packed?” Abby asks.

“I’m pretty much done. I have a couple boxes that can be taken to Goodwill.”

“I can’t believe we won’t see you again until Thanksgiving!” Madi muses.

“Actually, I won’t be back until Christmas.”

“What?” Clarke and Madi protest.

“It’s too far of a trip to make for just a weekend,” Raven explains. “And too expensive.”

Clarke understands this, but it hadn’t really hit her that she wouldn’t be seeing her older sister again until December. It almost seems like it’s a lifetime away.

“Hey, you might not be able to come home for Thanksgiving, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little piece of home with you,” Finn says.

“What are you talking about?” Raven asks as Finn pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. He hands it to her.

“I bought a ticket to Dublin. So I can come visit you!”

“That’s very sweet, Finn.” Clarke looks over to her mom to see that she genuinely does find that sweet. Raven, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be thinking the same thing.

“Can you return it?” she says slowly.

Finn is confused. “I mean--”

“It’s fine, we can talk about it later.”

The rest of dinner is noticeably silent.

...

 

Later on that evening, Clarke is sitting at her desk, pretending like she’s not eavesdropping on the argument that Raven and Finn are having in the driveway. It gets old after a while, so she goes digging in her closet to look for her dad’s memory box.

Before Clarke’s dad died, he had given her an antique jewelry box for her sixth birthday. It was a pale blue and had pink roses painted all over it. Clarke didn’t have her ears pierced yet, so she wasn’t sure what to put in it. At first she used it as a place to keep her favorite Legos. But after her dad was gone, she would put things in it that reminded her of him. His old watch, a newspaper comic that would have made him laugh. Small things. It’s also where she keeps her love letters.

Here’s the thing. Clarke loved Finn first. It’s as simple as that. They’ve been best friends ever since Finn moved in next door when she was in third grade and he was in fourth. They did practically everything together. Clarke loved Finn way before he was even on Raven’s radar. The problem was that Clarke didn’t realize that until Raven and Finn went on their first date. About a week later, she wrote Finn a letter. She didn’t send it, though.

Finn isn’t the first person Clarke wrote a letter to. That honor goes to John Murphy, a sarcastic boy she went canoeing with at a summer camp in Maryland. In retrospect he was kind of a dick to her, in the way that most ten-year-old boys can be. But they exchanged addresses at the end of the summer. The first letter professing her love to John is the only letter she ever almost sent. But she thought better of it before she put a stamp on it. The second letter was to Lexa, the girl Clarke shared her first kiss with in sixth grade. They were hanging out after school one day, talking about how they didn’t understand why some of the girls in their class were so excited about this one boy in particular named Bellamy. It didn’t make sense to either of them, so Lexa leaned over and gave Clarke a kiss on the lips just to prove that she wasn’t into Bellamy at all. She moved away about a month after that, and Clarke hasn’t heard from her since.

The third letter was to none other than Bellamy Blake, two years after she and Lexa declared they didn’t understand why girls were so into him. Bellamy kissed her after a weird boy-girl party, and Clarke briefly understood the appeal. The fourth letter was to Nate Miller, the boy she spent most of freshman homecoming hanging out with. And Finn’s letter was last, but his is the most important. She takes her letters out every now and again to relive the intense emotions and then decide it’s all too much and move on to something else. This time she only takes out Finn’s letter.

_Dear Finn,_

 

_I loved you first. It kind of sucks that I didn’t realize it until Raven said she liked you, and then you asked her out, but I still loved you first. I know you and Raven have both said this isn’t going to change things, but I don’t think that’s true. It’s always been Finn and Clarke. Now it’s going to be Raven and Finn. And Clarke. You both seem so happy, and I want you both to be happy, because you’re my two favorite people._

_So you’ll never get to know that I loved you first. And that I still love you. I love you, even as I watch you push a strand of Raven’s hair behind her ear or hold her hand. You’ll never get to know how much I wish it were me instead._

 

_Love,_

_Clarke_

A knock on Clarke’s door breaks her out of her trance. She shoves the letter back into her memory box and puts it under her bed before Raven walks in.

“Your room’s a mess,” Raven says as she flops down on Clarke’s bed.

“It’s part of my charm,” Clarke jokes. It usually makes Raven laugh. But not today.

“I broke up with Finn.”

“What?” Clarke moves to sit on the bed with her sister.

“I don’t know if it’s the best idea for me to go to college with a boyfriend who’s in a different country and time zone.”

“But you love Finn.”

“Yeah. I do. But I’ve been thinking a lot about what Dad would say if he were here. And I feel like he’d tell me that college is a time to start fresh.”

“Yeah.”

“And it’ll be harder for me to adjust when I’m missing Finn on top of you guys.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Raven. Not to me.”

“This is like the one thing I didn’t tell you about, though.”

“You don’t have to tell me everything.”

Raven turns on her side to face Clarke.

“Clarke, that’s what we do. Just because I’m going away doesn’t mean it has to stop.”

“It won’t. Why would it? I’m still gonna need you.”

Raven laughs. “Well I’m only a phone call or Facebook message away.”

Clarke nods.

“You really do need to clean your room, though. That’s step 1 for setting a good example for Madi while I’m gone.”

“I like to think of my room as organized chaos.”

“Organized chaos that can probably be helped if you put aside a few things for Goodwill.”

“I’ll think about it,” Clarke grumbles.

And this is the moment that it really hits Clarke that Raven won’t be a wall away in less than a week.

 

**…**

 

Before Clarke knows it, she’s at Dulles International Airport with her mom and her sisters, still definitely not ready for Raven to leave.

“And you’re sure you’ve got everything?” Abby asks.

“Mom, now is not the time to be asking me that.”

“I know, I just have to ask again. It’s my job.”

“Do you have any magazines?” Madi asks.

Raven shakes her head.

Madi pulls their mom towards the newsstand, leaving Clarke and Raven alone.

“Clarke.”

“Raven.”

Raven pulls Clarke in for a hug.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Clarke says as they pull apart. “Who am I supposed to sit with at lunch?”

“I think you should use this as an opportunity to make new friends!”

Clarke shakes her head. “That sounds awful.”

“Clarke, you’re going to be a junior. Live a little! Have some fun.”

“I have fun!”

“I don’t mean painting in your room on a Saturday night. Maybe go outside.”

“I can’t promise that.”

“Promise you’ll try?”

Clarke sighs. “I promise.”

Madi and Abby return with a few magazines that they hand to Raven. There’s not much else for the Griffin women to do besides hug. It’s the last time they’ll be together for a while, and it’s definitely going to take some getting used to. Raven waves one last time before heading to the security line, her carry-on suitcase rolling behind her. Clarke wishes she would turn around and look back one last time, but that’s not Raven.

 

**…**

 

The first day of school in the Griffin household always begins with the cliche “back to school” picture that their mom makes them take, where they hold up chalkboard signs with the grade they’re going into written on them. Madi is only excited this year because her sign says grade 6. Clarke just thinks Raven is lucky that she’s finally aged out of this tradition. She really can’t complain that much, since she knows how happy it makes their mom. So she gives her usual small smile and holds up her grade 11 sign so they can get the photoshoot over with.

Once they’re finished taking pictures, Madi takes the boards and runs back into the house. Abby hands Clarke the keys to the car.

“Mom, do I really have to drive us to school everyday?” Clarke whines.

“You could take the bus if you want. Or you could look at this as a good opportunity to practice and get over your nerves,” Abby replies.

Clarke rolls her eyes. “I guess.”

Madi comes back out of the house, this time with the added accessory of a helmet on her head.

“What’s that for?” Clarke asks.

“In case we crash.”

“Maybe we should take the bus, just to teach you a lesson.”

Madi just giggles and gets into the car. Clarke walks to the driver’s side and gets herself settled. She makes Madi take a selfie with her that they can send to Raven.

“Clarke, you’re stalling.”

“But Raven will like this.”

“Just drive. I have to say hi to everyone before homeroom.”

Clarke takes her sweet time on what should be a less than fifteen minute drive, but they still get there, and that’s all that matters. She drops Madi off by the middle school building, finds a parking spot, and makes her way into the high school building of Shallow Valley School.

It’s a little overwhelming to walk the hallways without Raven for the first time. It amplifies the fact that she doesn’t really know anyone, unfortunately proving her older sister’s point. She tries not to think about it and just heads for her locker. And unfortunately for her that also means running into people, because she’s not looking where she’s going.

“Sorry!” Clarke looks up to see she’s run into Echo. Of course.

Echo looks somewhat surprised to see Clarke. It’s not like they’ve been going to school together since kindergarten or anything like that. It’s hard for Clarke to remember the time that she and Echo were actually friends. They exist in completely different realms now. It’s understandable. Echo has always been pretty, and age is only doing her more favors.

“You should work on staring at the ground less,” Echo remarks. “It doesn’t actually make you invisible.”

“It’s a force of habit.”

“It probably doesn’t help that your shoes look too big for your feet.”

Clarke can’t help but stare back down at the ground as she looks at her somewhat rundown Doc Martens. Thankfully she’s saved from by a voice coming up from behind her.

“It’s weird that you say that about those shoes, Echo. Especially since you almost bought a similar pair over the weekend,” Emori says as she puts her arm around Clarke. Thank god for Emori, honestly.

Emori is actually Echo’s cousin. She moved in with Echo’s family the summer before eighth grade. Once Echo started hanging out with the popular crowd, Clarke found it a lot easier to just hang out with Emori instead, and they’ve been friends ever since.

“And you’ve definitely told me it’s not an insult to mock a trend that’s coming back into style,” Emori continues.

Echo rolls her eyes, and instantly after, Bellamy Blake appears by her side. He kisses her on the cheek as he comes to a stop.

“Perfect timing, Bell, we have to go talk to people who matter.” Echo pats Bellamy’s arm as she walks away. Bellamy starts to follow, but looks to Clarke and Emori first.

“Sorry about her. She’s stressed about volleyball.” He notices Clarke’s shoes and smiles. “Nice boots.”

And with that, he’s gone. Clarke decided a long time ago that Bellamy only exists to confuse her.

“Well that was an interesting interaction,” Emori says, breaking the silence. They start walking towards their lockers.

“It would’ve been much worse if you hadn’t shown up.”

“It’s what I’m here for. I love Echo, but she needs to be challenged every now and again. I could teach you some of my tactics for getting on her nerves, if you want.”

Clarke shakes her head. “You know keeping a low profile is more my thing.”

“She can handle it. I’m just saying.”

Clarke is glad to have someone like Emori in her corner. Especially since she’s not sure she and Finn are currently speaking. She hasn’t really seen him since the dinner at her house, but she figures she’ll at least see him from afar at some point today. She just doesn’t know what their new normal looks like.

So it’s unfortunate when Clarke can’t find Emori at lunch. She suspects she snuck off campus to buy food. A quick text confirms that theory. Shit. Now who’s Clarke supposed to sit with? She’s definitely not confident enough to just sit at a lunch table by herself. They’re all filling up anyways. She glances around the cafeteria to realize once again she really doesn’t know anyone. She briefly looks to one of the tables by the window where Bellamy and Echo sit with their other friends. Bellamy is sitting on top of the table talking to someone Clarke thinks is named Monty, while Echo spreads the upper half of her body across Bellamy’s lap while she types something into her phone. It’s weird to Clarke that they’re sitting in such an intimate position, yet they seem so distant. But what does she know? It’d probably be better to eat lunch somewhere else anyway.

It’s a nice day, so Clarke decides on sitting outside. She makes her way to the bleachers and finds Finn sitting in their spot. He’s chewing on a sandwich and reading a book. Clarke takes a deep breath and walks up to him.

“Is this seat taken?”

Finn looks up and closes his book. “It’s all yours.”

Clarke smiles and sits, taking out her lunch. They sit in silence, neither of them knowing what to say. Finn finally breaks it.

“I have to ask… did you know? I mean, you guys talk about everything, right?”

“She didn’t talk to me about this. I’m sorry, Finn.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“We can still hang out, right? Even though Raven’s not here anymore?”

“You say that like we’ve never hung out without Raven before, Clarke.”

“Yeah. But it’s just been awhile.”

Finn smiles. “We’ll still hang out. I’m not gonna lose you, too.”

Clarke sighs in relief. She and Finn are going to be just fine. And that’s starting to feel like the only thing she can actually be certain about.

The rest of the school day passes uneventfully. Clarke walks to meet Madi by the middle school building so they can walk to the car together. Madi gushes about how great the first day of sixth grade was. She’s always been the most social of the Griffin sisters, so it makes sense that she would leave the first day of middle school without a thorough sense of dread.

“Do you really have to put the helmet back on?” Clarke asks when she notices Madi buckling it as she starts the car.

“It’s a safety precaution!”

Clarke rolls her eyes and starts backing out of her parking space.

“Hey, hey!” someone shouts from behind the car. Did she just run into someone?

Clarke slams on her brakes, puts the car in park, and rests her forehead on the steering wheel.

“See!” Madi shouts. “I needed my helmet after all.”

Clarke only looks up because someone is knocking on her window. It’s Bellamy. Of course it’s Bellamy. She rolls the window down.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi.”

“You know cars have rear view mirrors for a reason, right?”

Clarke nods. “I’m sorry.”

“Maybe you should let this one drive,” Bellamy jokes, gesturing to Madi. Madi giggles.

“I can do it!” Clarke insists.

“You sure?” He’s smirking now, and it kind of makes Clarke wish she had run him over.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Okay. I’ll go alert everyone to get off the roads.” He winks and then walks off, presumably towards his own car. Clarke sighs.

“Who was that?” Madi asks.

“That was Bellamy Blake.”

“I can’t believe you nearly killed the cutest boy that’s ever talked to you.”

“I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

“How many cute boys talk to you?”

“Do you want a ride to school tomorrow or not?”

Madi finally quiets down and Clarke recovers enough that she can actually leave the parking lot. Hopefully the more traumatic events of the day don’t set the tone for the rest of the year.

 

**…**

 

Thankfully the rest of the week passes with no incidents, and Clarke is glad to be spending her Saturday night watching The Office with Madi. Their mom is working a late shift at the hospital, so ordering a pizza and parking in front of the television seemed like the best idea. Earlier in the day they had FaceTimed with Raven, who expressly forbid them from watching anything currently on the air without her. They’ll just have to do a marathon of Brooklyn Nine-Nine the minute Raven steps foot back in Virginia.

It’s only about 10:30, and Clarke is starting to drift off. She’s seen every episode of The Office countless times, so it’s not like she needs to pay attention. What wakes her is Madi’s foot digging into her shoulder.

“Clarke!”

“I’m awake!”

“You were asleep and you know it.” Clarke sticks her tongue out at this, and Madi does the same in response.

“Do you want to pick the next episode?”

“As long as it’s from season 3, I don’t care.”

Clarke takes that to mean she has permission to play A Benihana Christmas.

“We should do an Office Christmas episodes marathon when Raven gets back,” Clarke suggests.

Madi just nods.

“Madi, is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Is everything okay with you?”

Clarke sighs as she sits up and pauses the episode. “What is this about?”

“Don’t you just feel like it’s a little sad that you’re sitting here with your 11 year old sister on a Saturday night instead of hanging out with people your own age? I mean, how are you going to find your Jim if you never leave the house?”

“Who says I have to find a Jim anytime soon?”

“Nobody!” Madi insists. “I just don’t want you to be lonely when I have people to hang out with on the weekends and you don’t.”

She has a point. But it’s not Clarke’s fault that Madi is a social butterfly. Though she did promise Raven she would try to hang out with people.

“I’m gonna work on it. I’m not promising I’ll immediately start dating someone or anything like that, but I’ll hang out with people.”

Madi smiles. “Good. You can turn the show back on now.”

Clarke presses play and they sit in silence as she drifts back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed so far!
> 
> I will hopefully be updating this every Tuesday. I've got a decent outline and about five chapters written so far, but I fully expect for life to get in the way at some point.


	2. Secret's Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Season 6 Premiere! After I post this I'm gonna watch with a glass of wine.
> 
> I'm excited to post this chapter, because it's when all the fun starts to happen. It was also fun to write.

The second week of school starts off normally enough. Clarke didn’t expect it to be any different. She misses Raven. And figuring out her new normal with Finn might take more time than she originally thought. Clarke hopes that Finn hasn’t noticed her avoiding him. She just wants things to not be weird. She’s probably the one making them weird. Maybe this is why she doesn’t have many friends.

At least she’ll always have Emori. And this time she hasn’t abandoned her to sneak away for lunch. If it weren’t for her, Clarke wouldn’t be caught up on the weekend gossip, the biggest news being that Echo broke up with Bellamy over the weekend. For a college guy.

“Where did Echo even meet this dude?” Clarke asks as they sit on the bleachers eating lunch.

Emori shrugs. “She met him at a party over the summer when Bellamy was away at soccer camp.”

“Do you think she cheated?”

“I don’t know. If she did, she didn’t do it at the house.”

“Wow. I did not see that coming.”

“I guess I had noticed them fighting more lately. But when their conversations get too loud, I just put my headphones on,” Emori says.

“You didn’t tell me they were fighting!”

“I didn’t think you’d care.”

“You’re the only reason I know half of what’s going on at this school, of course I care. Even if it is about Echo and Bellamy.” Clarke goes digging in her backpack for her carrot sticks.

“Speak of the devil,” Emori mumbles.

“What?” Clarke looks up to see Bellamy heading towards them. He’s clutching some sort of paper in his hand.

“Hi.” Bellamy looks about as confused as Clarke is that he’s talking to them.

“Bellamy,” Emori says. “I’m sad I’m not going to see you over at my house all the time anymore. And right when I feel like we were starting to develop a rapport.”

“Not now, Emori. I need to talk to Clarke.”

Clarke looks around as if there’s another Clarke anywhere nearby. “Me?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Okay.” They wait for Bellamy to keep talking. He’s starting to get annoyed.

“I need to talk to Clarke alone.”

Emori rolls her eyes as she picks up her backpack. “Fine. I guess the rapport was just in my head.”

Clarke can feel the panic setting in. She hasn’t been alone with Bellamy Blake since middle school. And she’s still not sure why she’s alone with him now. He takes a breath before speaking. Or rambling, more like.

“So listen, I’m not really sure what to say. I mean, I’m flattered.”

Clarke has no idea where this is going. “What?”

“You said some nice things. You also said some confusing things that I wasn’t really sure how to unpack,” Bellamy continues.

Now she’s really not sure what’s going on.

“And it’s nice to know that you like my flippy hair and brown eyes, but things just ended with Echo, so I’m really not ready to jump into anything new.”

Clarke stops listening after she hears the words “flippy hair and brown eyes.” She’s heard those words before. Why do they sound familiar? The panic fully sets in as she remembers that Bellamy was holding a piece of paper when he approached her. She looks down at his hand only to see the love letter she wrote him in eighth grade. But how did it come to be in his possession in the first place?

 

_Dear Bellamy,_

_I’ve never really understood why Echo likes you so much. Or why any of the girls do, really. And I was perfectly fine with keeping it that way. But then you just had to go and kiss me. You shouldn’t have kissed me. You know Echo likes you, and I know you like her, so I don’t know what you’re playing at._

_I’m most annoyed because now that you’ve kissed me, I kind of get all the hype. I like your flippy hair and brown eyes. You have a nice smile, I guess. It must have hypnotic power, because I’m not really sure why I’m writing any of this. I’m not supposed to like you, but I do anyway!_

_It’s not supposed to be this way. I’m supposed to think you’re gross because you’re the type of guy who will kiss someone and then never talk to them again. Who does that? Only weird casanovas, which you have no right to be since I know for a fact you’ve only ever kissed two girls in your whole life! I hope nobody else ever kisses you again. I know I certainly don’t want to. It’s not fair to put a spell on someone without their consent. And I hope I don’t catch herpes from our stupid kiss._

_Love,_

_Clarke_

 

“Bellamy, I don’t feel that way about you. I barely feel any type of way about you,” Clarke manages to get out.

She only barely listens as Bellamy continues to ramble like he hasn’t heard her. She feels woozy.

“To my knowledge, I do not have herpes. And I’ve kissed _three_ girls in my whole life, thank you! Also, the fact that you used the word casanova leads me to believe you’re an eighty year old woman in disguise. Hey, are you okay?”

Clarke is not okay. In fact, she starts to pass out, but Bellamy catches her before her head hits the bleachers.

“Um, Clarke? Do you want me to walk you to the nurse?” Bellamy asks. He does seem genuinely concerned. Then she looks past him, her eyes widening as she fully comes to.

Finn is on his way towards them, carrying a familiar envelope in his hand. He makes eye contact with Clarke and begins to quicken his pace. He doesn’t seem happy.

Clarke can feel her heart pounding in her chest, and her stomach doesn’t seem to want to stop flipping. She can’t face Finn right now. Not after this uncomfortable conversation. She turns back to Bellamy, who still looks concerned.

What Clarke does next is not logical. But in the moment, it seems like the best way to solve her problem, and it’s all she can think of in her panic. She grabs Bellamy’s face in her hands and kisses him on the lips. When she pulls away she can’t even begin to unpack the confusion that’s set in on his face. She looks past Bellamy to see that Finn is equally stunned and has stopped in his tracks. Perfect. Now she can bolt.

“I’m so sorry!” Clarke shouts as she grabs her backpack and runs back towards the school building. She doesn’t stop running until she makes it to the bathroom and deems herself safe. She closes herself into a stall and tries to catch her breath.

After about a minute or so, she leaves the stall to splash some water on her face and exits the bathroom to get a book from her locker. Clarke opens the locker door and stares into it. She’s not sure how long she does this, but she’s interrupted by someone coming to stand next to her.

“Um, Clarke?” It’s a guy’s voice that she doesn’t immediately recognize, but when she turns her head, she sees it’s Nate Miller. He holds out his letter so that Clarke can have it back.

Clarke sighs and takes the letter from him. She realizes this is the first time she’s been face to face with Miller since ninth grade. Their school really isn’t big enough for that to be the case, but Clarke also avoids social interaction like the plague.

“I don’t think I was actually supposed to see that,” Miller continues.

“Thanks.”

“Also, full disclosure, you do know I’m gay, right?”

Clarke did not know that. “Yeah, I did. I wrote that letter in ninth grade. It’s not recent or anything.”

“Oh, after freshman homecoming? That was a fun night.”

“Yeah, I had a good time, too.” Clarke finds herself smiling for the first time in about half an hour.

“I feel like I never really see you around, though.”

Clarke shrugs. “I guess I don’t make myself very easy to locate.”

“Well if you ever want to hang out or anything like that, come find me at my locker.”

“Yeah, maybe I will.”

“I should head to class, but I’ll see you around.” He smiles and walks off down the hall.

Right. Class. It’s only lunch. She has to find a way to avoid both Finn and Bellamy for the rest of the day. Also how on earth did all three of the boys that go to her school get her love letters in the first place? So many questions are swirling through Clarke’s head that she can’t really focus on much else.

Clarke decides there must be some sort of higher being, since she doesn’t have any more awkward run-ins for the rest of the day. She’s almost forgotten about the whole ordeal, until she and Madi are getting into the car.

“There’s a rumor going around the middle school that some weird high school girl randomly kissed a guy at lunch. Isn’t that crazy?” Madi says.

Clarke scoffs. “That doesn’t sound true at all. You can’t believe everything you hear, Madi.”

“I know. I just think it’s funny. Even if it isn’t true.”

“I’m sure it’s not,” Clarke says as she starts the car.

Clarke is anxious to get home, and because of this, she doesn’t have her normal hang-ups about driving too quickly. The car is barely parked before she’s slamming the door and hurrying into the house up to her room. She closes her door and goes straight for her closet. She hopes her memory box will be on the top shelf, but it’s not there. She checks under her bed. It’s not there, either. Clarke begins turning her room upside down in search of the box, but it’s nowhere to be found. She’s not sure whether she wants to scream or cry. Instead she runs downstairs, hoping somebody else in the house has seen it.

“Mom, have you seen the jewelry box Dad gave me?” Clarke asks as she rushes down the stairs.

“It’s lovely to see you too, Clarke! Such a nice greeting for your mother when she comes home early.”

“Mom, this is serious! Have you seen it or not?”

“I haven’t. Do you think it could’ve ended up in a Goodwill box? I dropped those off a couple days ago.”

Crap. That would explain how all three boys at her school got their letters. Whoever found them must have figured they were meant to be mailed. But that also means they went out of their way to put stamps on all five letters. Who does that? But worst of all, it probably means she’ll never see her memory box again. Clarke takes a deep breath and tries not to cry as she heads back to her room. As she passes the mail table, she notices that there’s a piece of mail marked “Return to Sender.” She gets closer and sees that it’s the letter she wrote to Lexa. Clarke snatches it up from the table and lets out a deep sigh, thankful that she only ever had Lexa’s Virginia address. And if she’s lucky, maybe John Murphy has moved as well and he’ll never get his letter, either.

Once Clarke is back in her room, she sits on her bed, puts a pillow to her face, and screams. If only that actually helped to make her feel any better. It doesn’t feel great to know that she’s embarrassed herself by kissing Bellamy, which apparently kids in middle school are talking about. It also doesn’t feel great to know that her memory box is gone for good. Clarke wonders what Raven would do in this situation. Then again, Raven probably wouldn’t be in this situation, since she just says how she feels, rather than writing things down. Clarke decides it might be nice to hear her voice, so she calls her anyway.

Raven picks up on the third ring. “Hello?” It sounds like she’s just waking up.

“Raven, were you asleep?” Clarke runs through the time difference in her head to make sure it’s not too late. She thought it was only about 9pm.

“I was taking a nap. It ended up being longer than I expected. It’s good that you called, or I wouldn’t have woken up.”

“Oh, okay.” Clarke doesn’t know what to say next.

“Clarke? Are you still there?” Raven asks.

“Yes! I’m here!”

“Is something up? You called me.”

“Right.” Clarke is no longer sure how to bring up what’s bothering her without mentioning to her sister that she accidentally sent her ex-boyfriend a love letter. Or that she wrote him one to begin with. “I just wanted to say hi. How are things going?”

“Things are going pretty well. I’m still getting used to my schedule and stuff like that.”

Clarke can tell from Raven’s tone that she’s not convinced that’s the only reason Clarke called. She chooses to ignore that.

“I’ve been doing okay driving to school everyday!” Clarke informs her sister.

“That’s good! The practice will help you get more comfortable with it.”

“I hope so. Madi didn’t wear her helmet today, unlike all of last week.”

Raven laughs. “Is Madi doing okay?”

“Yeah, she’s thriving. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I guess I just thought middle school was universally terrible.”

“Not when you’ve got Madi’s attitude.” Raven pauses before asking, “Have you seen Finn lately?”

Clarke chuckles. “No, not really. Why would I have seen him?”

“Because he lives next door.”

“Oh. Right. Well, I’ve been busy. And I guess he has too.”

“Okay… Clarke, I’m glad you called, but I should get going. I have to work on an assignment before I fall asleep again.”

“Okay.”

“We can talk longer soon, though.”

“Sure!”

Raven hangs up, and Clarke sighs, grateful she doesn’t have to keep up the small talk any longer. She doesn’t remember why she thought calling Raven would be a good idea anymore.

Clarke doesn’t know what to do now. She stares at the ceiling, wondering what she could have done to deserve this. Having three people learn that you once had a crush on them in the same day seems rather cruel and unusual. Maybe she should start going to church again. She vaguely hears the doorbell ring, but figures somebody else is closer to the door than she is.

“Clarke!” her mom calls from downstairs. “Finn is here.”

Clarke jumps up from her bed. She can’t face Finn. Not yet, at least. She grabs her wallet and keys and opens her window. It doesn’t look too far from her room to the ground. She climbs out and barrel rolls off the roof and into the bushes.

“Ow.” Clarke brushes herself off as she stands up and takes off running down the street.

She ends up at Ark Diner, her absolute favorite place to hang out. She loves the retro feel of the place and the fact that all the waiters know her by name. Her dad would bring her here sometimes when he was still alive, but she’s been coming on her own for as long as she was allowed to leave the house by herself. Nobody ever thinks to look for her here. Clarke heads to her usual booth in the back and orders a vanilla milkshake. She sips her milkshake and sits on her phone. She’s missed a few texts from Emori, but she figures she’ll answer them later.

The last thing she expects to happen is for Bellamy Blake to slide into the seat across from her, but of course he does. Because that’s just how this day is going for Clarke.

“Hi,” Bellamy says when Clarke doesn’t speak.

“How did you find me here?”

“I was on my way to your house, when I saw you running down the street. So I followed you.”

“That’s a little creepy.”

Bellamy shrugs. “Maybe. But so is springing a kiss on someone you haven’t had a full conversation with since middle school.”

Clarke blushes and opens her mouth to explain herself, but Clarke’s waiter comes over to them.

“Clarke, can I get your friend anything?” Maya asks with a smile.

Clarke shakes her head. “He’s not my friend!”

“Can I have a chocolate milkshake, please?” Bellamy asks.

Maya nods and heads back behind the counter, but not before giving Clarke a thumbs up.

“Okay, so I guess you’re staying for a bit,” Clarke says.

“Yeah. Because I need to make sure I’m clear that nothing’s going to happen between us.”

“I know that! Bellamy, I don’t like you.”

Bellamy doesn’t seem to buy it. “See you’re saying this now, but you still kissed me earlier. I’m getting mixed signals from you.”

Clarke waits for Maya to deliver Bellamy’s milkshake before she says anything else.

“Here’s the thing. I just had to make it look like I like you so another guy doesn’t think that I like him.”

“Wait, did this other guy get a letter too?”

“Yes.”

“So I’m not the only guy that got a letter?”

“Five people got letters, you’re not that special.”

“Huh.” Bellamy sips his milkshake. “So who’d you send the letters to?”

“As if I would tell you!”

“Oh, so you want me to confirm the rumors about some crazy girl kissing me at lunch?”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “You’re the worst.”

“I know. Tell me.”

“Well, one was to you, obviously. One was to this boy John Murphy. I went to summer camp with him, but he lives in Maryland. Do you remember Lexa?”

Bellamy nods.

“She was my first kiss, so I wrote her one. But then she moved away. One was to Nate Miller.”

“Miller’s gay,” Bellamy interjects.

“Well I did not know that at the time.”

“That’s only four.”

“You didn’t let me finish!” Clarke takes a deep breath before saying the last one out loud. “And the last one was to Finn Collins.”

Bellamy doesn’t say anything at first. “Isn’t he dating your sister?”

“Not anymore. I was hoping that he and I could go back to the way things were before he and Raven dated, but I don’t see that happening. And now you get why I don’t want him to think I have feelings for him.”

“Yeah, I see how that could be an issue.”

“You can’t say anything about this, okay?”

Bellamy shrugs. “Who would I say anything to?”

Clarke sighs as she lets go of the tension in her shoulders. “Thanks. And I really am sorry for pouncing on you like that.”

“Don’t worry about it. It made for an interesting Tuesday. Do you need a ride home?”

“What makes you think I need a ride?”

“I watched you run here, remember?”

“A ride would be nice, thank you.”

The drive back to Clarke’s house doesn’t include speaking, just the music playing over Bellamy’s car radio. It’s not awkward or anything. Just quiet. Nobody says anything until Bellamy parks in front of Clarke’s house.

“Thanks again for not saying anything. And for the ride,” Clarke says as she starts to open the car door.

“Hey, what if there was a way to make Finn believe that you’re not actually into him?” Bellamy asks.

Clarke closes the door and sits back down. “What do you mean?”

“If you make him think you’re into someone else, then he won’t be worried about you liking him and you can go back to being friends.”

“Are you suggesting that I pretend to be into you?”

“Pretty much.”

“I don’t think so.” This time Clarke actually gets out of the car. She doesn’t expect Bellamy to follow her.

“Hey, hear me out! It works out well for both of us!”

Clarke turns to face Bellamy. “Explain.”

“If we let people think we’re dating, Finn won’t worry about the letter, and it’ll make Echo crazy jealous. When we first started dating she brought up the fact that I kissed you so often, it’s like she wanted me to say I liked you better.”

“So based on something that happened in eighth grade, you think us dating now would make her that jealous?”

“It might. I figure it’s worth a shot.”

“How is this an okay thing to ask someone you haven’t had a full conversation with since middle school?”

“You started it when you kissed me!”

“And I’m finishing it. It wouldn’t work.” Clarke turns and walks up the pathway to her front door.

“Just think about it, princess!” Bellamy shouts as he gets back into his car.

Clarke rolls her eyes. Princess? Where did he get that from? Out of habit as she’s unlocking the door, she looks over into Finn’s house to see if anyone’s in the living room. It just so happens that Finn walks away from the window at that exact moment. She wonders if he saw what just happened outside.

Once Clarke is in her room, she figures her day is probably normal enough again that she can start her homework. Thankfully there isn’t very much to do. She’s in the middle of pre-calc when she gets an unusual Facebook notification. A friend request from a John Murphy. Clarke almost falls out of her chair when she sees the name.

She clicks on the profile. Yeah, this is definitely the John Murphy she went to summer camp with. And it looks like he still lives in Baltimore, which means he might have actually received her letter. Or this is just a huge coincidence. Clarke decides on the latter as she accepts his friend request and goes back to her homework.

She’s interrupted again a few minutes later, this time with a text from Finn:

_So… You’re hanging out with Bellamy Blake now?_

Clarke frowns before responding:

_Yeah._

_When did that start happening?_

_It’s pretty recent._

_Oh._

_Cool, cool._

Clarke doesn’t answer after that, partially because she doesn’t know what to say, and partially because she doesn’t think that deserves a response. Did Clarke hanging out with Bellamy bother Finn? His text sounded a little bothered. But it also means he noticed her, which seems like the first step to getting things back to normal. Maybe Bellamy was on to something with this whole “pretend to date” thing. Clarke figures sleeping on it will be the deciding factor.

 

**…**

 

The next morning, Clarke makes Madi get up and leave the house early so she can meet Bellamy before morning soccer practice starts. She has to tell him immediately before she chickens out and decides this is a terrible idea after all.

Clarke parks her car and walks with purpose over to the soccer field. She strides toward Bellamy, who’s off to the side dribbling a ball. She pays no attention to the other boys on the team who seem to be wondering what she’s doing.

“Hey, Bellamy?” Clarke shouts as she gets closer.

He looks up and smiles as Clarke nears him. “Yeah?”

“I’m in. Let’s do this.”

Bellamy smirks before leaning in and kissing her. Clarke is most definitely not prepared to kiss Bellamy Blake for the second day in a row. She stands slightly frozen on the soccer field once Bellamy pulls away.

“We’ll talk,” she finally says, playfully pushing his shoulder before walking off the field.

“Sure thing, princess,” he calls after her.

There’s that nickname again. Clarke figures she’ll have to get used to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and leaving a kudos! I hope you're enjoying it so far. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.
> 
> I don't think I've ever posted anything related to The 100 on my Tumblr, but if you want to check it out or recommend me some blogs to follow, you can do that [here!](https://mylifeiskara.tumblr.com/)


	3. Let's Do This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished outlining this fic over the weekend, so I'm excited to keep posting and writing as I go. Here's hoping I don't get ahead of myself.

If someone told Clarke she’d be sitting with someone other than Emori at lunch this early in the school year, she wouldn’t have believed them. Yet, here she is, sitting at a picnic table with Bellamy as they discuss their “relationship.”

“So,” Clarke begins as she pulls out a piece of paper. “We should get our story straight if people ask how we started dating.”

“How about we started hanging out again over the summer,” Bellamy suggests. “I got back from soccer camp while Echo and Emori were on a two week family vacation, so that works for both of us. Since people don’t ever know what you’re up to.”

“Why do people ever know what you’re up to?”

“They only knew what I was up to when Echo was around.”

Clarke rolls her eyes, but figures he’s right. “Okay, so we started hanging out again when you got back from soccer camp. When did we realize we liked each other?”

“I realized when Echo got back from vacation that there was distance between us. And maybe you realized when you almost hit me with your car,” Bellamy jokes.

“Very funny.” She keeps writing.

“What are you writing down?”

“We have to set some guidelines for this, don’t you think?”

“Like what?”

“Well I don’t want you to kiss me again.”

Bellamy scrunches his face. “You’re joking.”

“No, I’m not.”

“How are people supposed to believe we’re together if I can’t kiss you?”

“I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I don’t want this to feel like a real one for us. And there are other forms of PDA! We can hold hands, couples hold hands. I’ll sit in your lap if you want, just don’t kiss me on the lips.”

“Can I at least kiss your cheek?”

Clarke nods, and writes it on her piece of paper.

“Okay. And you have to come to parties with me. And be at my soccer games.”

“Must I?”

“Yes! It wouldn’t kill you to be social. You’re 16, not an 80 year old woman.”

“Okay. Well, you have to drive me and my sister to school when you don’t have morning practice.”

“Anything to keep you off the roads. And you have to sit with me and my friends at lunch.”

“Bellamy, I can’t do that everyday.”

“Alright then, once a week.”

“Fine. Anything else?”

“I could write you little notes,” Bellamy suggests after a brief pause.

“Notes?”

“Yeah. And I’d give them to you everyday when I drop you off at your locker.”

Clarke doesn’t voice how sweet she thinks that is, but she smiles as she writes it down.

“Echo always wanted me to write her notes, but I never did. It made her crazy.”

And, it’s less sweet now.

“This seems like a reasonable contract,” Clarke decides.

“Oh. Can we add one last thing?” Bellamy asks.

“What?”

“You have to come with me on the ski trip.”

The winter break ski trip is not at all Clarke’s scene. Not that she’s ever been. But the rumors of how steamy that weekend can get outdo all of the prom night and senior week stories she’s ever heard.

“Do you really think we’re still going to be doing this come winter break?”

“We’ll put it in as a contingency. For if we’re still together.”

Clarke only writes it down because she doubts they’ll be keeping this up for more than a month.

“Great,” she says. “We’re in agreement.”

They both sign their names on the contract and shake hands.

“Pleasure doing business with you, princess,” Bellamy smirks.

“Okay, I have to ask. Why do you keep calling me that?”

“It’s funny because it doesn’t really fit. Couples have nicknames, we should stick with it.”

“Okay, so what should I call you?”

“Bell. Besides my little sister, only Echo is allowed to call me that.”

“Alright then, Bell,” Clarke says. “Let’s do this.”

**…**

The next morning Clarke finds herself actually putting thought into what she’s going to wear. The realization that people might actually pay attention to her today makes her a little nervous. It mostly manifests in her putting on mascara and lip gloss and spending a little extra time on her hair. She’s lacing up her boots when she gets a text from Bellamy saying he’s outside. Clarke throws on her jacket and grabs her backpack as she heads out of her room.  
 ****

“Madi! Let’s go!” Clarke shouts as she heads down the stairs.

She stops in the kitchen for a granola bar and a banana, where she finds Madi rinsing out her cereal bowl.

“You sure did take your sweet time getting ready this morning,” Madi remarks.

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Grab your stuff.”

Once Madi has her backpack they head for the front door.

“Clarke, you forgot the car keys.”

“I won’t need them today.” She locks the front door behind them and turns to see Bellamy waiting in his Jeep.

Madi looks from the car to Clarke, and then back at the car again. Clarke just takes her hand and pulls her down their front walkway.

“Good morning, ladies!” Bellamy says as Clarke climbs in the passenger seat and Madi gets in the back.

“Morning,” Clarke replies. She peels her banana as Bellamy starts on the way to school.

Bellamy looks in his rearview mirror at Madi. “What’s your name?”

“Madeline Leigh Griffin,” Madi answers cooly. “My friends call me Madi.”

“Can I call you Madi?”

“You’re not my friend. Why are you driving us to school today?”

“Clarke asked me to.”

“And why would you say yes?”

“Because she’s my girlfriend.”

Hearing Bellamy say the word “girlfriend” out loud for the first time makes Clarke choke on her banana. She obviously knew this was coming, but it doesn’t seem to soften the blow at all.

“Girlfriend?” Madi is excited now. “Since when?”

“It’s new,” Clarke answers.

“Octavia Blake is your little sister, right?” Madi asks.

“Yeah, she is,” Bellamy nods.

“She is the coolest girl in the eighth grade! Are you as cool as Octavia?”

“Probably not.”

“That’s too bad. But since you’re related to her, maybe you can work your way up to calling me Madi.”

Bellamy chuckles. “Sounds like a plan, Madeline.”

They drop Madi off at the middle school building and find a place to park on the lot. Bellamy stops the car and turns to look at Clarke.

“You ready, princess?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Clarke sighs.

Clarke and Bellamy get out of the car. They look at each other, lace their hands together, and walk into the building.

It only takes about a minute for Bellamy to walk Clarke to her locker, but it feels like it’s happening in slow motion. The first person that notices them holding hands has to do a double-take. Then people start whispering to each other. Clarke works hard to pretend not to notice. She focuses on Bellamy’s hand in hers and shifts a little closer to him.

They reach Clarke’s locker, and they spot Echo at her own locker only a few feet away. She’s standing with her friend Harper, and they both look shocked. Clarke can’t really read the expression on Echo’s face that follows the shocked one, but it doesn’t seem very friendly.

Bellamy pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and puts it in Clarke’s hand. He then leans in to whisper in her ear.

“Nice work,” he says, before kissing her on the cheek and heading off to his own locker.

Clarke doesn’t know how to feel about being complimented on walking down the hallway and being handed a note. She pretends that Echo isn’t still staring at her and starts organizing her books for the day. She doesn’t get very far along before Emori interrupts.

“Um, did I see that correctly, or do I need to get my eyes checked?” Emori asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Clarke, don’t play dumb. You were walking down the hallway holding hands with Bellamy! Bellamy Blake!”

“Yup.”

“And were you ever going to tell me about it?”

Clarke closes her locker before answering. “Well you know now.”

“Yeah, but so does the entire school. As your best friend, I feel like I should’ve been the first to know.”

“Well it happened so fast. And I didn’t want you to feel weird since Echo is your cousin.”

“Why would I feel weird? Echo and Bellamy’s break up was a long time coming. And this is the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to you!”

“Okay, I don’t think that’s true.”

Emori crosses her arms and stares at Clarke.

“Emori, I don’t have a list of exciting things that have happened to me at the ready.”

“Which only further proves my point. But hey, if you’re happy, I’m happy. And that’s what’s important.”

“Like I said, it’s new, but I think it’s been nice. I don’t have much to go off of.”

“Well the minute it’s not nice, I’ll be there to kick his ass.”

The fact that Emori seems to believe that Clarke and Bellamy are actually a thing gives Clarke some peace of mind. If she can convince her best friend that this is real, convincing people she doesn’t know should be a piece of cake. Now she just has to make sure Finn believes it.

The rest of the day goes on normally enough. By the end of second period, it seems like the whole school is clued into Clarke and Bellamy’s “relationship.” She sits with Bellamy and his friends at lunch. Monty and Jasper are the most animated of the bunch. It’s weird to think that she’s gone to school with some of these people most of her life, yet she’s never talked to them. They’re nice enough. Maybe sitting with Bellamy and his friends at lunch won’t be as taxing as she had originally thought.

She’s happy to be home once school is over, though. Nobody is around to stare at her, and now that Emori is finished with all of her questioning, she’s actually pleasant to be around. They’re both sitting on Clarke’s bed doing homework when Clarke’s phone dings with a Facebook notification. She gasps when she sees it’s a message from John Murphy from summer camp.

Emori looks up from her textbook. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Clarke lies. She waits until Emori goes back to reading to open the message:

_You know, when we exchanged addresses at camp I assumed you’d be sending me mail a month after, not years later._

Clarke blushes, realizing he definitely received her love letter after all.

_Haha, yeah. Sorry about that. I actually did write that letter a month after camp, but then I lost it so I guess whoever found it mailed it for me._

_It’s not a big deal. It was fun to relive the memories._

_Yeah, I guess it was a good summer._

“Who are you texting?” Emori asks, looking up from her book again.

“Nobody.”

“Then why does your phone keep dinging?”

Clarke tries to keep her phone out of Emori’s reach, but Emori is too fast and she manages to grab it anyways.

“Who is John Murphy?”

“A boy I went to camp with.”

“Why have I never met him?”

“He lives in Baltimore.”

“Well that’s too bad,” Emori sighs.

“Why?”

“I think he’s cute.”

“I did too, when I was at summer camp.”

“So can I talk to him?”

Clarke is confused. “How?”

“On your phone, duh.”

“Isn’t that weird?”

“I don’t care. I want to talk to him.”

Clarke doesn’t have time to argue because the doorbell rings and she figures she should go get it. She hands Emori her phone. Emori snaps a selfie of herself, presumably to send to John, as Clarke heads downstairs to answer the door. She’s surprised to see Finn behind it.

“Hi,” is all she manages to get out.

“Hey,” Finn answers. “Can we talk?”

Clarke nods and steps outside, closing the door behind her so they’re both standing on the porch.

“So. You’re really dating Bellamy Blake?”

“Yeah. I feel like we had this conversation over text.”

“Well you didn’t say he was your boyfriend. You just said you guys were hanging out.”

“It started out as just hanging out. It’s not like I lied.”

Finn starts to stumble on his words. “I’m not saying you lied. I guess I just don’t get it.”

“What, that someone would want to date me?” Clarke is starting to get upset.

“No, that’s not what I mean! Anyone would be lucky to date you! I just don’t get why you’d date Bellamy of all people.”

“What’s wrong with Bellamy?”

“He’s such a jock. I mean, you’ve seen how some of those soccer guys are.”

“And how is that a reflection on Bellamy, someone you’ve never actually spoken to?”

“Clarke, I just don’t want to see you get hurt. I’m only looking out for you.”

“And I didn’t ask you to do that! I like Bellamy, and unlike you he wouldn’t question my ability to make my own decisions.”

That seems to leave Finn speechless and embarrassed.

“Do you have anything else to say?” Clarke asks.

He shakes his head. “No.”

“Maybe you should go.”

Finn turns and heads back to his house, but he stops to say. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Yeah, well. You did.”

He nods, this time actually going back into his house. Clarke groans as she sits down on her front steps with her head in her hands. She tries to calm down before going back to her homework.

Clarke doesn’t know what to make of that interaction at all. For one thing, she never thought she would get so heated in defending her fake boyfriend. In all honesty, she doesn’t know Bellamy much better than Finn knows him. At least, not high school Bellamy. But that doesn’t change the fact that her fighting with Finn defeats the purpose of fake dating Bellamy in the first place. How are they supposed to get things back to normal if they can barely hold a conversation with each other? Clarke hadn’t planned on getting used to “dating” Bellamy, but after that argument, it seems likely they’ll be doing this for at least a month or two.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love hearing people's thoughts! You can talk to me in the comments or on [Tumblr!](https://mylifeiskara.tumblr.com/)


	4. The Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No teen rom-com would be complete without a party scene/chapter! This was one of my favorite things to write so far, so I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Also seeing as it's a party, there's a very brief mention of underage drinking.

Clarke is three weeks into pretending to date Bellamy, and the excitement at school surrounding their relationship is dying down as people are finally getting used to it. She went to her first soccer game ever and had more fun than she expected to, and it’s actually been nice to hang out with Bellamy and his group of friends. Every day there are fewer stares, which Clarke is extremely thankful for. Unfortunately it seems like Echo is never going to stop glaring, but then again, that’s the point of this whole charade. So everything is going according to plan, at least for Bellamy.

Finn hasn’t spoken to Clarke since the porch incident, and Clarke doesn’t want to be the first to break the silence when she doesn’t feel like she was in the wrong. She figures she’ll eventually break and just talk to him anyway. Otherwise there’s no point to fake dating Bellamy in the first place.

Clarke is glad to be at home away from everyone else on a Friday night. The week dragged by, and she’s fine with just staying in with Madi and helping her bake cupcakes for the middle school’s weekend bake sale.

“Raven always said brownies or rice krispy treats were better to make,” Madi comments. “That way you only have to cut them into squares. And you don’t have to frost them.”

“You realize I’m not Raven, right?” Clarke asks.

“I’m just saying it would be easier.”

“Well I already have the ingredients for cupcakes. That’s what we’re making.” She starts measuring flour as the doorbell rings. Madi runs off to answer it. She comes back with Bellamy in tow.

“How’s it going, princess?” Bellamy’s wearing a different outfit than he was earlier, complete with his black bomber jacket that he’s started wearing as it gets chillier.

“What are you doing here? And why did you change clothes?”

“I think the better question is why have you not changed clothes? Didn’t you read my note? We’re going to a party at Monty’s. And you can’t go covered in flour.”

In Clarke’s defense, she doesn’t always read Bellamy’s notes, since the first few she opened were only one or two words or a bad drawing.

“I can’t go out right now! I’m helping Madi make cupcakes for the middle school bake sale.”

“Cupcakes are so much work. I helped Octavia make rice krispy treats earlier. All you have to do is cut them into squares. You should’ve made brownies.”

“That’s what I said!” Madi shouts.

“And I never checked with my mom. I probably can’t go anyway,” Clarke lies.

“You can’t go where?” Abby asks as she walks into the kitchen and notices Bellamy. “Bellamy Blake? I haven’t seen you since you were about 12, you’ve gotten so tall!”

“It’s nice to see you again, Dr. Griffin,” Bellamy smiles.

“Oh please, call me Abby.”

Clarke stares in disbelief. Her mom never let Finn call her Abby. And Bellamy’s only spoken one sentence.

Bellamy hesitates as he continues. “Oh, um… Abby. I was here to pick Clarke up for a party. If that’s alright with you. I’ll have her home at a reasonable hour.”

“A party? That sounds like fun!”

“But Mom, I’ve barely started on these cupcakes,” Clarke points out.

“That’s alright, sweetie. I can help Madi. Why don’t you go get changed?”

Clarke knows when she’s beat. She puts down the measuring cup and heads up to her room to change. This is also when it dawns on her that she’s never actually been to a high school party. What the fuck is she supposed to wear? She doesn’t want to keep Bellamy waiting, especially when she’s left him downstairs with her mom, who will inevitably ask way too many questions.

She decides on a red long-sleeved crop top she stole from Raven and her high-waisted jeans. She puts her hair half up, throws on some lip gloss, and heads back downstairs.

“You look great,” Bellamy says as she enters the kitchen again.

“Thanks. Mom, what time do you want me back?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. Just have fun!”

“Mom, you are never this chill.”

“Sure I am. Have a nice time.”

Bellamy takes Clarke’s hand and pulls her out of the kitchen. “Nice talking to you!”

“Sorry about my mom,” Clarke says as they get into Bellamy’s car. “I hope she didn’t ask you anything too weird while I was changing.”

Bellamy shrugs. “Just normal mom stuff. It wasn’t nearly as weird as interacting with Echo’s mom.”

“Yeah, well when it comes to boys my mom has only interacted with Finn. And she never let him call her Abby.”

“He dated your sister for like two years, right?”

“Yeah.

“We’ve been dating for three weeks, and I already get to call her Abby? I think that’s a win.”

“Bellamy, we’re not actually dating.”

“She doesn’t know that. Which means we’re doing a good job.”

Clarke doesn’t say anything, opting to just look out the window instead.

“Hey, we should go over the game plan for when we get there,” Bellamy says, breaking the silence.

“We need a game plan for a party?”

“Yeah. Echo’s gonna be there. And you’ve never been to a party before.”

“How would you know I’ve never been to a party before?”

“I’ve never seen you at one.”

“Well that might just mean we don’t go to the same parties.”

“Come on, Clarke. It’s not that big a deal. If you just stick with me the whole night, it’ll be fine.”

“We don’t have to stay long, do we?”

“Nah. Just long enough that everyone clocks we were there. We can always go get food after.”

Clarke nods. “I’m in favor of food.”

They park a few houses down from Monty’s, since there are a lot of cars right out front. Maybe this is what being fashionably late is like. Clarke takes Bellamy’s hand as they head up the sidewalk. The front door is open, but nobody seems to be in the foyer area. From the sound of the bass, everyone is in the living room. Bellamy looks to Clarke once he’s closed the front door.

“You good?” he asks.

“I think so.”

“Oh, wait!” Bellamy starts taking off his bomber jacket. “Put this on.”

“Won’t I be warm?” Clarke asks, but she puts it on anyway.

“The point is to be cute and couple-y, not comfortable. Why do you always wear your hair half up?”

“It’s my look?”

“You should wear it down. It’ll look good.”

Clarke grumbles as she takes down her hair. Bellamy pulls out his phone to take a picture.

“See?” he says, showing her the photo. “You look cute.”

Clarke eyes the picture. “I look annoyed with you.”

“It’s your resting face.”

“Are we ready now?”

“Oh! One last thing. Give me your phone so I can do a selfie for your lock screen.”

“Is this really necessary?”

“It never hurts to pay attention to small details!” He flips his hair and grins as he snaps a few photos before choosing one for Clarke’s lock screen.

“What about yours?” Clarke asks as he hands her phone back.

“I already made it the one I just took of you! Let’s head in, princess.” Bellamy puts his arm around Clarke’s shoulder.

“Don’t say that like I’m the one that was delaying us!”

Bellamy just laughs and kisses her cheek in response, now that they’re walking into the room with people actually in it. They make their way over to Monty and Jasper, who are playing beer pong with a bunch of other people that look very unfamiliar to Clarke.

“Bellamy!” Monty and Jasper shout at the same time. It’s still taking Clarke some time to get used to Monty and Jasper being so in sync. This seems like it might be exacerbated by drinking. Bellamy fist bumps them both.

“And Clarke’s here!” Jasper says, bringing Clarke in for a hug. “Can you believe that we’ve gone to school together since like kindergarten, but we’ve only started talking to each other now? You should’ve dated Bellamy sooner!”

Clarke isn’t sure what to say. “Yeah, well. We’re dating now!”

She looks over at Bellamy to see he’s trying to control his laughter but failing miserably.

“Have you guys gotten something to drink?” Monty asks.

“No, but I’ll get us something. Clarke, you good to stay here?” Bellamy doesn’t really wait for Clarke to give an answer.

So much for sticking together. Clarke watches the beer pong match for a bit. She has no idea who Monty and Jasper are playing, and she blames that fully on the fact that Bellamy’s friends call each other by their last names, with the exception of Monty, Jasper, and Bellamy. It’s confusing.

Clarke notices Harper sneak up on Monty to hug him from behind and kiss him on the cheek. Monty loses focus on the game in favor of his girlfriend’s attention.

“Harper, don’t distract him! We’re already losing,” Jasper says as he puts his head down on the ping pong table.

“I wouldn’t have done it if you actually had a chance at winning!” she replies, playfully punching Jasper on the arm before walking in Clarke’s direction. Clarke thinks she’s headed for someone else at first, but realizes there isn’t anyone else near her.

“Clarke! Come sit with us.”

“Oh, um. Okay.” Clarke knows it’s not really a question and more of a command. Harper is very nice, but there’s still no choice in the matter. She’s led over to a couch where Echo is silently judging the partygoers. She locks eyes with Clarke and the stare alone makes Clarke want the floor to swallow her whole. She can’t let Echo get to her though. That defeats the purpose of this whole operation. She takes a breath and works up a smile. Once they’re at the couches, Harper motions for Clarke to sit and then takes a seat next to Echo.

“So, Clarke,” Harper begins. “You and Bellamy. So cute!”

Clarke nods. “Thanks.”

“How’d it happen? I didn’t even know you guys hung out.”

“We hadn’t for a while. But we ran into each other over the summer at Ark Diner, and we caught up.”

“When was this?” Echo asks, finally looking interested.

“The week after Bell got back from soccer camp.”

Echo bristles at Bellamy’s nickname. Clarke is surprised at how well this seems to be working.

“But what about leading up to when school started?” Harper asks.

“We hung out for like two weeks, but then didn’t really talk after that. Then when school started, I almost backed my car into him, and we started talking again. And you pretty much know the rest.”

Harper nods. “Mhmm. And you’re wearing his jacket, even cuter! So, what have you guys done?”

“What?”

“You know… What have you guys done?”

Clarke is confused but feels her face heat up once she understands what Harper is asking. “Oh! Well--”

Echo snorts and turns to Harper. “I told you they hadn’t done anything.”

“It’s only been a few weeks. And we’re taking things slow.”

“Sure. I need a refill. Clarke, do you want anything while I’m gone? I’m sure Monty has some juice or something around.”

“Bellamy’s getting me something, but thanks for asking.”

No sooner than Clarke says that, Bellamy slides onto the couch next to her. He’s holding two Solo cups, and he hands her one and then puts his arm around her.

“Perfect timing,” Clarke smiles.

“I got you, princess,” Bellamy says. Clarke pretends that he’s not looking at Echo as he says this.

Echo rolls her eyes and heads towards the kitchen. Harper smiles and gets up from the couch to look for Monty.

Clarke lets out a sigh of relief now that that interaction is over. She goes to lift her cup to her mouth but stops when she realizes she isn’t completely sure what’s in it.

“Don’t worry, it’s just Coke,” Bellamy says.

“Thanks.” She takes a sip. “What’s in yours?”

“Also Coke. I’m driving.”

“Right.”

Bellamy pulls his phone out of his pocket. “We should take a selfie.”

Clarke doesn’t protest this time and instead rests her head on Bellamy’s shoulder and makes different faces as he snaps a few pics.

“I might put one on Instagram later.”

“That’s fine.” Clarke figures it’s fine. The only person who doesn’t know about this is Raven, and she barely checks Instagram as it is.

“Do you wanna watch beer pong with me?” Bellamy asks as he stands up from the couch.

“Is that something people do a lot?” Clarke asks. “Just watch beer pong? It’s not that exciting.”

“I guess that’s a no.” He heads back over to the game.

Clarke sits for a moment by herself. She’s not really sure what to do, so she just sips her soda and pulls out her phone. Hopefully Bellamy will want to leave soon and they can go get that food he promised.

“Clarke!” someone calls. She turns to see Miller walking towards her.

“Hi!” she answers, glad to see a familiar face. Miller sits down on the couch next to her.

“I didn’t know you went to parties.”

“I didn’t know I went to parties, either. Until tonight.”

“Well it’s good to see you,” Miller says as he nudges Clarke’s shoulder.

“It’s good to see you, too.”

“So. You and Bellamy Blake. That’s pretty wild.”

“Yeah. It constantly takes me by surprise. But it’s been nice.”

“That’s good to hear. I hate to ask, since I’m sure you’ve gotten this question a lot recently, but what about Echo?”

“What about her?”

“I mean, you and Bellamy got together literally right after they broke up. Are you sure he’s not still into her?”

Clarke shrugs. “He’s been pretty honest about the whole thing so far. He told me he’s mostly just mad.”

“Even so. Being mad is just another version of caring.” Miller gestures over to the beer pong table where Echo and Bellamy seem to be having a heated discussion.

Clarke thanks Miller for the company and leaves the comfort of the couch to hopefully break up this argument and get Bellamy to take her to the diner.

“If you’re so unbothered, then why aren’t you hanging out with your college guy right now instead of keeping tabs on me?” Bellamy asks as Clarke walks up beside him and wraps an arm around his waist. She feels his body relax as he sinks into her touch. He’s a good actor.

“Is everything okay?” Clarke asks.

“It is now,” Bellamy smiles. Echo just rolls her eyes.

“Does that offer of getting food still stand?” Clarke asks Bellamy. “I’m hungry.”

“It sure does. Let’s head out.” He kisses the top of her head. “Echo, tell your boyfriend I say hi.”

With that, Clarke and Bellamy exit Monty’s house and head off to Ark Diner. On the drive to the diner Clarke wants so badly to ask what Bellamy and Echo had been fighting about, but she holds off and listens to the radio as Bellamy drives. They don’t say very much as they sit down in their booth. It’s not until they have their basket of fries and milkshakes that Clarke says anything.

“So.”

Bellamy looks up from his shake. “So?”

“What were you and Echo talking about earlier?”

“She was just trying to poke holes in the story you told her about how we got together.”

“I didn’t give very much detail.”

“She still tried. You did good, though. She did not seem happy at the idea of us hanging out together over the summer.”

Clarke nods. They go back to comfortable silence. Or it would be silent if Bellamy’s phone would stop buzzing.

“It seems like someone’s trying to get ahold of you.”

“It’s just Echo. I’ll probably call her later.”

“You’ll call her later?”

“Yeah. We talk on the phone a lot.”

“Even though you guys are broken up?”

“Is that weird?”

“Um, yeah a little. Why are you spending so much time still talking to your ex? There’s a reason she’s your ex.”

Bellamy laughs. “That’s rich, coming from you.”

“What, since I’ve never had an ex, I’m not allowed to think that’s weird?”

“Pretty much.”

“That logic seems twisted.”

“Nothing to do with relationships is logical. Can I ask you something?”

Clarke narrows her eyes as she grabs a handful of fries. “You’re gonna ask it anyway.”

“Why have you never been in a relationship? Like, what’s holding you back?”

What kind of a question is this? How is she supposed to answer something like that?

“I don’t know. I guess nobody’s ever really been interested in me.”

Bellamy scoffs. “That’s not true. I know for a fact that Cage Wallace asked you to Winter Formal last year, and you turned him down.”

“I think everyone has turned down Cage Wallace at least once,” Clarke grimaces.

“Yeah, bad example. Wait, didn’t that Roan guy ask you out last year? You clearly didn’t say yes to him.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“That’s not important. I’m just saying, more people notice you than you think, Clarke. And why shouldn’t they? You’re pretty cool.”

Clarke can’t help but laugh. “I think I’m probably the exact opposite of cool.”

“Cool is subjective. I mean, there are people at school who don’t think I’m cool,” Bellamy jokes.

“Well thanks for thinking I’m cool, I guess.”

“You’re supposed to think your girlfriend is cool. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Clarke nods and takes a breath before speaking. “It’s no secret that I’m not the best at putting myself out there. Which most of the time is a good thing, because it means that it’s harder for me to get hurt. But I guess I’ve missed a lot of things because of that.”

Bellamy nods. “Putting yourself out there is scary.”

“Yeah. And I think that’s why I had my letters in the first place. It’s so easy to want something when you’re the only one who knows, but when other people know and it becomes real, that’s when it gets scary. Either they don’t feel the same way about you, or they feel the same way about you, but eventually they leave.”

Bellamy seems deep in thought once Clarke is finished talking. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen him look this pensive, and they have two classes together.

“Is it because of what happened with your dad, do you think?”

“Yeah. It kind of felt good to say that stuff out loud.”

“Well now you’ve had a lesson in putting yourself out there! Sometimes it’s good for you.”

“Odds are I won’t do it again until next year. Should we get the check? It’s getting kind of late.”

“Yeah, I should get you home. I don’t completely believe your mom is okay with you being out all night.”

Bellamy flags down their waiter and pays for their food. After he puts his credit card away he leans halfway across the table and looks directly at Clarke.

“So answer me this. If you’re afraid of putting yourself out there, then why is it so easy for you to do this with me?”

Clarke leans across the table to mirror Bellamy before she answers him. “Because this isn’t real.”

Bellamy’s smirk falters, but immediately rights itself. “Right. Glad to hear that. Don’t need you falling in love with me. That would really complicate things.” He slides out of the booth and offers Clarke his hand to help her up.

Bellamy drops Clarke off at her house, and she’s so glad the night is over. Once she’s back in her room she texts Emori to make plans for the next day. She also just wants someone to be proud of her for going to an actual party.

She finishes getting ready for bed and sits at her desk doodling, since she’s not quite ready to fall asleep. An Instagram notification interrupts her. She looks at her phone to see that Bellamy has tagged her in one of their selfies from the party. He picked the one of them both making silly faces. The caption reads, “Fun night with this goof” along with a seemingly random string of emojis following it.

Clarke chuckles to herself. She likes the photo and then types, “You’re such a dork!” and a heart emoji. She leaves the comment, gets up from her desk, and lays down in her bed. She can’t wait to tell Raven that she went to a party. She’ll be so excited that she’s going out and making new friends.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's subscribed and left kudos and a comment! Things only get more exciting from here. 
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr!](https://mylifeiskara.tumblr.com/)


	5. That's Not Raven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're chugging along! I'm getting more excited about this fic with every chapter I write, so I'm glad you guys have been enjoying it!

Clarke wakes up the morning after the party to a Facebook message from Raven saying to FaceTime when she gets the chance. She rubs her eyes and types a response that she’ll call once she’s eaten. Clarke pushes back her covers and gets out of bed. She tries not to think about how Raven’s message sounded a little short. Text messages can’t even sound like anything. But can’t they?

Once Clarke’s downstairs she turns on the coffee pot and makes herself a bowl of cereal. It doesn’t seem like anybody else is up yet, which makes sense. Their mom likes to sleep late when she doesn’t have to go into work, and Madi doesn’t come out of her room until the afternoon on the weekends. The quiet is nice. Clarke missed the quiet last night, even if she did have a little fun going out. She’s thankful that she’ll only be hanging out with Emori today since she and Bellamy don’t have any “couple” plans. At least that will feel normal.

Clarke brings her coffee back to her room and opens her laptop on her bed. She messages Raven to see if it’s an okay time to talk. It is. She clicks the FaceTime button and turns up her volume. The familiar ring sends Madi running, since she knows the only person Clarke would be FaceTiming with is Raven. Raven picks up once Madi has joined Clarke on her bed.

“Hi guys,” Raven smiles. She’s in her dorm room, and she’s put up a sky blue tapestry since the last time they talked.

“Hi!” Clarke and Madi say together.

“You did some more decorating,” Clarke remarks as she sips her coffee.

“Yeah. The walls were a little too bare. I found it at a cool shop that I’ll have to take you to whenever you get the chance to come visit.”

“Cool.”

“So… what’s new with you guys?” Raven asks.

“Clarke switched things up for the bake sale this year,” Madi says. “We made cupcakes. They turned out really well.”

“Why’d you do cupcakes? Brownies would have been so much easier.”

“Surprisingly you are not the first person to tell me that,” Clarke answers. “But they turned out fine, what difference does it make?”

“Clarke didn’t really help, though. Mom ended up finishing them with me because Clarke went out.”

“I saw that.”

Clarke’s eyes go wide. “What do you mean, you saw that?”

“I saw you were tagged in a post on Instagram.”

“You were actually using Instagram?”

“I have an account, I scroll through it sometimes. You’re hanging out with Bellamy Blake again?”

“Yeah. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing, I just wouldn’t expect you two to have anything in common anymore, now that he’s the school’s big soccer star.”

“We have stuff in common,” Clarke mumbles.

“Yeah!” Madi chimes in. “Like the fact that they like each other.”

Raven seems confused. “What?”

“Bellamy is Clarke’s boyfriend!”

It’s in this moment that Clarke wishes that Madi had still been asleep. Or that she had at least thought to put her headphones in before calling.

“Clarke, he’s your boyfriend?” Raven asks. “Since when?”

“Um, it’s been about a month,” Clarke shrugs.

“A whole month and I’m just finding out?”

“I just never got around to telling you.”

Raven is quiet. “I think I’m just having a hard time wrapping my mind around this.”

“I don’t see what about it is so hard to understand.”

“He’s just not someone I ever pictured you being with. He’s always seemed a little mean.”

Clarke is working her hardest not to get upset. “Well he’s not mean. He’s very nice.”

“Madi, what do you think of Bellamy?” Raven asks.

“I think he’s great! He gives us rides to school and sometimes he sits and watches Netflix with us,” Madi answers.

“Is he a good driver?”

“Better than Clarke.”

“Okay, I’m not that bad!” Clarke interrupts.

“I guess as long as he treats you well it’s fine.”

“Thanks, Raven. But I wasn’t really looking for your permission.”

Clarke didn’t mean for that to come out as harshly as it does, but everyone feels it.

“I should go,” Raven finally says. “I’m meeting up with some friends to go to a museum.”

“Okay,” Clarke and Madi say.

“I’ll talk to you guys later. Oh, and Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“Wash my red crop top and put it back where you found it.”

“Sure thing,” Clarke nods, and with that, Raven ends the call.

“Clarke, why hadn’t you told Raven about Bellamy?” Madi asks.

“I guess I was looking for a good way to do it.”

“It shouldn’t be that hard. Just say he’s your boyfriend. You do that all the time, don’t you?”

Clarke wants to shout that he’s not actually her boyfriend, but instead she says, “Yeah.”

“It’s like you don’t want people to know. You should be excited. He’s a nice guy who likes you.”

With that, Madi heads back to her room to get ready for the bake sale, and Clarke does nothing until it’s time for Emori to come hang out with her.

Clarke and Emori decide to have a chill spa day. They’re in Clarke’s room, Emori lying back on the bed and holding out her feet as Clarke paints her nails.

“I still can’t believe Bellamy convinced you to go to a party,” Emori says.

“You and me both. I was so ready to use the ‘I didn’t ask my mom’ excuse, but she was way too excited that someone had invited me somewhere.”

“I’ve invited you to plenty of parties, and you’ve always turned those down.”

“I guess this is different, somehow. And my mom was never right there when you extended the invitation.”

“What’s annoying is how this was like the one party I haven’t gone to this year, and of course that’s the one you go to.”

“It would have been so much better if you had been there! If I had been with you the whole night, I wouldn’t have been ambushed by Harper and Echo.”

“But you also wouldn’t have gotten the chance to look all cozy and cute with Bellamy for Insta selfies if you had spent the whole night with me,” Emori reminds her.

“That selfie might have caused more trouble than it was worth. It’s how Raven found out me and Bellamy are dating.”

“Why hadn’t you told her yet?”

“I didn’t want her to ask a bunch of questions. I’ve been getting all of that from everyone else. Even at the party last night. I don’t see how it’s their business.”

“Ugh, I don’t get why people feel the need to know everything.”

“Yeah. And it’s not like they cared about me before.”

“What sorts of questions did they ask you?”

Clarke stops painting Emori’s toes. “I don’t see why it matters.”

Emori sits up before speaking. “But what if your best friend wants to know the answer? Isn’t that different?”

“They were just asking how we got together, really. And if we’d done anything.”

“Have you guys done anything?”

Clarke shakes her head.

“Seriously? Nothing? He hasn’t even like touched your boobs over your shirt?”

“We’re just taking things slow, I don’t see what the big deal is! I feel like people keep painting Bellamy out to be some sort of sex god just because he’s attractive, but he’s only had sex with one person.”

“Doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t be a sex god. He had a lot of time to practice with that one person.”

Clarke groans. “Thanks for the reminder.”

“I mean, the main thing is that he’s being respectful of you, so that’s good. Bellamy’s definitely not a creep.”

“Yeah.”

“And I’m sure now that Raven knows you guys are together, you can always ask her for like sex advice, or whatever sisters do in these situations,” Emori says as she lays back down.

Clarke moves on to painting Emori’s other foot. “Why would I go to Raven for sex advice?”

“Because she’s had sex?”

“No she hasn’t.”

“Clarke, Raven dated Finn for two years and you think they didn’t have sex at least once?”

“Raven’s not like that.”

“How do you know for sure?”

“I just know.”

Clarke doesn’t want to say the reason she knows for sure that Raven’s never had sex. Emori would think it’s silly. But she doesn’t have a sister. Clarke and Raven decided years back that sex was a bigger deal than some of their classmates were making it out to be and made a pact that they would wait until they were at least 21. Sure, Finn means something to Raven, but she’s not 21 yet. Clarke knows Raven, and she wouldn’t break a pact.

“Whatever,” Emori finally says. “Oh, I’ve been talking to that boy from your summer camp!”

“Stiil? Why?”

“Because I think he’s cute, we’ve talked about this!”

“What do you guys even talk about?”

“Whatever we feel like. We’ve only been texting, but we’re gonna talk on the phone soon. And we might meet up in DC.”

“You’re gonna meet up with some guy you’ve never met in person in Washington DC?”

“It’s an easy spot for both of us to get to. And I don’t see why it’s such a big deal if you know him.”

“I knew Murphy when he was ten!”

“We haven’t made any solid plans yet. And we’ll meet in a very public place. This is not my first meet-up with a person from the internet.”

“Well I’m glad you enjoy talking to him,” Clarke says. “I mostly remember him being a sarcastic asshole.”

“Oh he still seems like a sarcastic asshole. In a nice way, though.”

Clarke wonders if there is a way to be a sarcastic asshole in a nice way, but she doesn’t say that to Emori. She’s tough and has things under control. If this works out, John Murphy won’t know what hit him.

About an hour or so later Emori leaves, and Clarke sits on her porch with the book she’s supposed to be reading for English class and an apple. She’s mostly focusing on the apple and not the book. Finn’s car pulls up in the driveway next door and Clarke isn’t sure what to do next. She could get up and go inside, but that would let Finn know that she noticed him and she’s bothered by his presence. Which she’s not. Maybe if she just sits and pretends to read her book, he’ll just go inside.

But of course, that’s not Finn. He gets out of his car and heads directly to Clarke’s porch.

“Hey,” he says once he’s in front of Clarke. “Can I sit?”

Clarke nods as she closes her book. Finn sits down next to her.

“I take it you’re pretty stoked about having a guaranteed ride to school nowadays. I know how much you hate driving,” Finn finally says.

“It’s been nice. I still drive on the days Bellamy has morning practice.”

“So only once a week.”

“Yeah.”

Finn nods. “I don’t really know how to bring this up, but it kind of feels like you’ve been avoiding me ever since Raven broke up with me.”

“Yeah, well I don’t really know how to respond to that.”

“It’s just… it feels like everything is different now that she’s gone. And then I got your letter and everything was different again. And I just think if I had known--”

Clarke cuts Finn off. “Finn, I just miss my friend.”

Finn smiles. “So we are still friends?”

“I’d really like for us to be.”

“Me too. I should probably go, though. I’ve got groceries I need to bring in.”

“Yeah, go ahead. We can talk later.”

“Cool.” With that, Finn heads back to his car to retrieve a grocery bag and goes into his house.

Clarke lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and goes back inside. It feels good to make up with Finn once and for all. She puts down her book and goes to get Raven’s shirt that she had worn the night before out of the dryer. She heads up to Raven’s room to put it away.

Clarke hadn’t realized how empty Raven’s room is until now. It makes sense that most of her things are gone, especially since she packed two boxes for Goodwill. But there hasn’t been any reason to go into Raven’s room with her not being here, so it feels new again for a minute. Clarke also realizes that she’s had this shirt for so long that she doesn’t remember what drawer it’s actually supposed to go in. She opens a few trying to determine where to put it based on the few things remaining. She opens a drawer closer to the bottom of the dresser and sees a note addressed to Raven inside.

She picks the envelope up. It’s been opened, which means that Raven has read it, so it won’t be so bad if Clarke opens it up to see what’s inside. She just isn’t prepared for the note’s content.

 

_Dear Raven,_

_I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since you ended things, and I don’t think you broke up with me just because you don’t want to start college with a boyfriend. I think you broke up with me because we had sex, and you’re afraid of getting too close to me._

 

Clarke doesn’t read any further than that. In fact, she wishes she hadn’t started at all. She doesn’t know what to think. She puts the letter back in its envelope, puts the shirt in Raven’s drawer, and goes back to her room.

So Raven did have sex with Finn! Clarke can’t tell Emori about this. She’ll just gloat about how she was right, and that’s not what Clarke needs right now. She’s having trouble wrapping her mind around it, but it’s also something she doesn’t want to think about for too long.

Clarke finally decides that she’s not upset that Raven broke their pact, because thinking back on it, it definitely does seem a little silly. She’s upset that Raven didn’t tell her. And it makes it more annoying that Raven seemed so mad earlier when Clarke hadn’t told her about Bellamy, her fake boyfriend. Clarke wonders if this is what it’s like for everyone when their older sisters go to college. Do they just stop telling each other things? Clarke has never felt so out of sync with Raven, and she’s really not a fan of it.

And this feels like such a weird thing to learn right after making up with Finn. It’s definitely not something Clarke can talk with him about. That would just make things weird again. It’s probably best if she just forgets she ever saw the note.

She can’t dwell on this. Especially when the longer she thinks about it, the more it seems like she and her sister are growing further and further apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so so much for all your kudos, comments, subscriptions, and bookmarks! I'm happy to be sharing this work with you and I love hearing what you guys think. :)


	6. What's Your Favorite Food?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I say this about every chapter in my head, but this is definitely my favorite chapter to date. Hope you guys enjoy!

Clarke is a lot more used to this fake relationship going into month two. She and Bellamy have their routines down, and hanging out with him doesn’t seem like a chore, but rather just a part of her day that she actually enjoys. It’s normal. They’ve even started studying for the two classes they take together. Sometimes they’ll study in the library during their free period, or go to the diner after school and share fries while they do homework. It depends on the day how much work they actually get done.

They’re sitting in the library during their free period doing work, and even though it’s a Friday, they’re being surprisingly productive. That is, until Bellamy decides to open his mouth.

“Hey,” he begins. “My mom wants to meet you.”

Clarke doesn’t look up from her notebook. “I’ve met your mother at at least ten birthday parties over the years.”

“Yeah, but she wants to meet you as my girlfriend.”

This time Clarke actually stops writing. “Huh?”

“She wants to have you over for dinner this weekend.”

“This weekend. As in tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re telling me about this today?”

Bellamy seems confused. “Yes?”

“You’ve given me less than a day to prepare for meeting your mother as your girlfriend?”

“I didn’t think it would be this big of a deal!”

“But you couldn’t have told me any sooner than the day before?”

“I forgot.”

“Bellamy, this gives me no time to think things through! I’ve never met someone’s parents as their girlfriend before! What am I even supposed to wear to meet my boyfriend’s mother?” Clarke wonders aloud.

“Can you not wear what you normally wear? My mom is really chill. And not chill like the way your mom pretends to be chill. She’s actually chill.”

“Even if she is chill, it just seems like a more special occasion than normal. I should probably put on make-up. Do you think I should wear a dress?”

Bellamy puts his hand on top of Clarke’s to steady her. “Hey. It’s gonna be fine. It’s just a normal dinner. My mom is making spaghetti. It’s not fancy or anything like that.”

Clarke takes a breath and nods. “Okay. I guess I’m just nervous now.”

“You don’t have to be. Like you said, you’ve technically already met her before. And she already likes you, so she’s just going to like you more after this.”

“Okay. You still should have told me earlier, though.”

“Yeah, that’s my bad.”

“So how are you gonna make it up to me?” Clarke asks.

“Do you want me to get you frozen yogurt after school?”

“That’ll do. And if you bring Madi, I think you’ll be able to start calling her Madi soon.”

“That’s good. I don’t know why I so crave the approval of an eleven year old, but I think your sister just has that effect on me.”

“She has it on a lot of people. It’s kind of amazing.”

Bellamy smiles and turns back to his own notebook. Clarke likes Bellamy’s smile. Not the dumb smirk he gives to most people, but his genuine smile. She feels like not everyone gets to see it, and it’s nice to be one of the people on the receiving end. The whole fake relationship thing they’re doing may be a little weird, but it’s nice to be able to call Bellamy a friend.

**…**

Even though Bellamy told Clarke not to worry and that it would be a chill dinner, Clarke still worries. She mostly worries because she still doesn’t know what to wear. This is the sort of thing that she should be able to ask Raven about, but it doesn’t seem like the right time, since Raven didn’t seem to like the idea of Clarke going out with Bellamy in the first place. She ends up running back and forth from her room to Madi’s with different outfit ideas. Madi nixes the first few choices, but helps Clarke decide on a simple blue dress.  
 ****

“This one makes your boobs look nice,” Madi says.

“Madi! I’m having dinner with Bellamy’s mom, I don’t need my boobs to look nice for that.”

“Your boobs should always look nice.” She goes back to her book.

Clarke goes back to her room to finish getting ready. She puts on her make-up, which takes over ten minutes because she can’t decide whether or not she should put on eyeshadow. She does put on a little. She’s tying her shoes when she gets a text from Bellamy saying he’s out front. She grabs a purse, her coat, and a hair tie, figuring she’ll put her hair up in the car.

“You look pretty,” Bellamy says as Clarke climbs into the passenger seat.

“Thanks.”

“I told you picking an outfit wasn’t that big a deal.”

“It was, actually. I enlisted Madi’s help.”

“Did she tell you to keep your hair down?”

“No. I was about to put it up.”

“It looks pretty though.”

“I just don’t like when it’s in my face.”

“You could always get a haircut.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that commitment.”

“It would solve your problem.”

“I know. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it.” Clarke plays with the hair tie on her arm, but decides to leave her hair down. She hopes Bellamy doesn’t have a smug look on his face. She turns her head and sees he’s doing a very bad job of hiding his smirk.

“What?” he asks.

Clarke rolls her eyes and chuckles. “Nothing. So, what should I expect from your mom and sister?”

Bellamy shrugs. “My mom is really excited to have you over. You won’t have to do much to impress her. I never know what to expect with O. She didn’t really like Echo. And she’s not easily impressed.”

“That’s reassuring.”

“It’ll all be much easier when you remember this.”

“Remember what?”

“That this isn’t real.”

Clarke exhales and nods. Why had it been so easy for her to forget that just then?

Bellamy pulls into the driveway of his house. Clarke fixes her hair before getting out of the car and heading inside with him.

“I’m back!” Bellamy shouts.

“In the kitchen!” Bellamy’s mom shouts back.

Bellamy takes Clarke’s hand and leads her into the kitchen. Bellamy’s mom is standing by the stove as she stirs pasta sauce. She turns around as they enter and flashes a bright smile.

“Clarke! It’s so nice to see you,” Aurora says, pulling Clarke in for a hug.

“It’s nice to see you too, Ms. Blake. Thank you for having me over for dinner.”

“Of course! Anything to get to know Bellamy’s new girlfriend better. I’m glad you two got the chance to reconnect.”

“Do you need help with anything?” Bellamy asks.

“Octavia already set the table, and I’m just about done, so why don’t you guys take off your coats and relax?”

Bellamy and Clarke do as they’re told, and before Clarke knows it, it’s the middle of dinner. Bellamy’s mom is very sweet to her, and it makes Clarke wonder why she was so worried about this dinner in the first place. She doesn’t love that Octavia has spent much of the meal staring at her. Bellamy really wasn’t kidding about her not being easy to impress.

“So Clarke, you have two sisters?” Aurora asks.

“Yes. I’m in the middle. Raven is in her first year of college, and Madi is in sixth grade.”

“Oh, just a couple years behind Octavia! Do you know Madi, O?”

Octavia doesn’t look up from her spaghetti. “I’ve seen her before.”

Aurora nods before continuing. “I know Bellamy always feels outnumbered with us girls, and there’s only two of us. I can only imagine how your dad must feel, Clarke.”

Clarke stops mid-chew. How does Bellamy’s mom not know her dad is dead? Did she forget?

“Mom! We talked about this, Clarke’s dad passed away when we were younger,” Bellamy scolds.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry! I don’t know why that slipped my mind.”

“It’s alright,” Clarke adds, just wanting to move on. “And he did feel outnumbered. I don’t think he minded all that much, though.”

Bellamy moves to place his hand on Clarke’s knee. He pats it as if to say sorry. Clarke turns to him and smiles. She can tell he feels bad.

The rest of dinner goes off without a hitch, other than the fact that Octavia points out that Clarke’s foundation isn’t blended into her neck.

“I knew I shouldn’t have tried using a Beauty Blender for the first time when I was going somewhere,” Clarke tells Bellamy as they clean the kitchen together.

“Don’t let her get to you, there’s really nothing wrong with your make-up. O probably just wanted to find something slightly negative to say about you. She’s kind of going through a weird phase right now. But I can tell she definitely likes you more than Echo,” Bellamy explains.

“Well I’m glad I didn’t wear the dress that Madi told me makes me look like Wednesday Addams, or I think I would have been made fun of.”

“Not by me. That actually sounds kind of hot.”

Clarke hits Bellamy with the dish towel she’s holding, only causing him to laugh. “I was just hoping to figure out why Madi’s slightly obsessed with her, but I guess I’m still in the dark on that.”

“And I’m really sorry about my mom earlier. I reminded her that bringing up your dad probably wasn’t a good idea, but she’s really forgetful.”

“It’s okay. Really. Sometimes it’s nice to talk about him. We don’t really do it at home.”

“You don’t? Not even little stories for Madi?”

Clarke shakes her head as Bellamy hands her a dish to dry. “My mom never wants to talk about him, and I think that’s kind of rubbed off on all of us. I know she means well and she thinks she’s shielding us from pain, but I think it would do us some good to talk about him.”

“I kind of feel that way about my dad too. Not that it’s the same.” Bellamy hands the last dish to Clarke and hops up onto the counter.

“No, I get what you mean,” Clarke says, drying the dish and then sitting down on the counter herself.

“My mom was so angry when he left. I was only eight, so I don’t really think I understood at the time why he was leaving. And I just remember I kept asking about him, because I was kind of hoping he would come back. Finally my mom sat me down and told me that he wasn’t coming back. And that I had to step up and be the man of the house.”

“That’s a lot of responsibility to saddle on an eight-year-old.”

“No kidding. I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I took it really seriously at first. But as time passed I started to realize that wasn’t very fair of her. And I just wanted to be a kid.”

“Do you ever wish your dad had come back?”

“Maybe once a year. It sucks because I know he’s out there with this other family, and I wonder why we couldn’t be that family for him. But it’s his loss that he’s missed out on knowing us. Remembering that helps the ‘what if’ thought go away.”

Clarke nods and rests her head on Bellamy’s shoulder. He leans into her touch so their knees occasionally knock.

“Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll forget my dad,” she admits.

“How could you forget him?”

“It’s happened before. Very briefly. He died when we were pretty young, so we’ve all lived most of our lives without him. And it sometimes feels like this is always how it’s been. Just me, my mom, and my sisters. It’s only ever for a split second. But I feel guilty about it because he was such an important part of my life, even if I was little.”

“You guys were close?”

“Yeah. I feel like I’ll never be as close to my mom as I was with my dad. She and Raven get along better. I think it’s because they’re more similar. And Madi’s the baby, so she obviously loves her. I sometimes feel like the odd one out.”

“Your mom loves you, though. She’s your mom,” Bellamy points out.

“Yeah, I know. But it’s different from the way she loves my sisters. I don’t know. It sounds silly when I say it out loud.”

“It’s not silly.”

“I’ve never told that to anyone before.”

“You haven’t?”

Clarke shakes her head.

“Well thank you for sharing that with me. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough.”

“Yeah. It’s nice that we can have talks like this.”

“For sure. Do you wanna stop for milkshakes on the way back to your house?”

“Um, is that even a question?”

Bellamy smiles and jumps off the counter. He helps Clarke down, and they head out to his car.

Clarke enters her house with her milkshake in hand and is immediately bombarded by questions from Madi.

“How was dinner?” Madi asks, following Clarke into the kitchen.

“It was good,” Clarke answers as she sits down at the table.

“Did Bellamy’s mom like you?”

“I think so. She complimented my dress.”

“It’s because your boobs looked good. Was Octavia there?”

“Yeah.”

“Isn’t she so cool?”

“I wouldn’t really know. She didn’t say very much.”

“I think that’s what makes her so cool. What did you guys eat?”

“Spaghetti.”

“Is that Bellamy’s favorite food?”

“I don’t know what Bellamy’s favorite food is.”

From the look on Madi’s face, it’s almost as if Clarke had said she hit a baby.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Clarke asks.

“How do you not know what Bellamy’s favorite food is?” Madi counters, still in shock.

“It’s never come up in conversation.”

“But you guys spend so much time just talking to each other! Like that’s almost all you do.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“Raven knew Finn’s favorite food! It’s mac and cheese. She used to make it for him. How are you going to make Bellamy’s favorite food if you don’t even know what it is?”

“Madi, you don’t have to compare me and Bellamy to Raven and Finn. We’re not the same.”

“I’m not trying to. I just think you should know his favorite food.” With that, Madi’s interrogation ends, as she heads back upstairs to her room.

Once Madi’s gone, Clarke starts heading up to her own room. Now she feels self-conscious. Should she know what Bellamy’s favorite food is? That seems like such a minor detail. Echo probably knows Bellamy’s favorite food. But then again, Echo and Bellamy actually dated.

Clarke lies down on her bed and thinks about it for a while longer. Bellamy’s her friend, if nothing else. The next thing she knows, she picks up her phone to call him.

Bellamy picks up on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Hi.”

“What’s up? Did you forget something? I can bring it to you on Monday.”

“No, I didn’t forget anything,” Clarke responds.

“Oh. So what’s up?”

“What’s your favorite food?”

Bellamy pauses. “What’s my favorite food?”

“Yeah.”

“Is this the only reason you called?”

“I mean, we can talk more after. But I want to know!”

“Brownies.”

“That’s your favorite food?”

“Yeah. I don’t appreciate the judgement in your voice.”

“I don’t mean to sound judgy! I just feel like that’s a very simple favorite food.”

“Well I like to think I’m a simple guy.”

Clarke can’t help but laugh at that statement.

“Alright then. What’s your favorite food?”

“Barbecue chicken pizza.”

“Huh,” Bellamy says.

“What?”

“That’s just more fun than I expected it to be.”

“I can be fun!”

“I know you can! And do you know what makes you the most fun, princess?”

Clarke is glad Bellamy can’t see the stupid grin on her face. “What makes me the most fun?”

“The fact that you’re so damn unpredictable. I wish more people knew that about you.”

“I’m gonna miss when we’re not together anymore. You give the best compliments.”

“I aim to please. Well I’m glad we got to learn this important tidbit of information, but I have to go. I promised Octavia I would watch a movie with her.”

“Ah, yes. Duty calls.”

“We’ll talk tomorrow?”

“Of course.”

Clarke hangs up and somehow still can’t bring herself to wipe the grin off her face. If someone had told her over the summer that Bellamy Blake would be a normal and significant part of her life come November, she would have laughed in their face. It’s crazy to think that now she can’t picture what this year would be like without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said I was working really hard to get chapters up every Tuesday, but work has been really hectic and it's not gonna die down for a couple more weeks, so I'm hoping to get a couple more chapters written before I post again. Just a heads up, if you've been following weekly! 
> 
> Thanks so much for your comments, kudos, and the like! I'm so excited you guys are enjoying this. :)


	7. This Isn't Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gone for way longer than I expected, but I am back! So sorry for the long wait, but I'm hoping to have more time to write now. I'm excited about where the story is going, so I'm hoping that'll keep me motivated to finish this by the end of the summer.

Clarke and Bellamy are sitting in the library during their free period. They have a physics test tomorrow, and Bellamy’s been worrying about it for over a week. Clarke keeps telling him that he knows a lot more than he thinks, but he won’t hear it.

“Can I come over and study with you after practice? This stuff seems to make more sense to you and maybe your knowledge will rub off on me,” Bellamy says.

Clarke giggles. “I don’t think that’s how it works. But yeah, you can come over.”

“Cool, thanks. It would really help me.” Bellamy closes his eyes and rests his head on Clarke’s shoulder.

“What are you doing?”

“Well if we’re gonna study later, I don’t need to worry about studying now. I’ll just take a nap instead.”

“I need my arm, Bell.”

“Too bad. It’s my pillow now.”

Clarke can’t even pretend to be annoyed, so she just runs her hand through his hair and goes back to her notes.

Once school is over, Clarke and Madi head home. Clarke decides that since Bellamy is always starving after practice, she should make them a snack. She has all the ingredients for brownies, so she starts to whip up a batch. She can never admit to Madi that knowing Bellamy’s favorite food is about to come in handy.

Since soccer practice ends at 5, Clarke expects Bellamy to show up a little after 5:30. She figures he’ll probably want to have a quick shower before heading over. Which is why she doesn’t think much of it when 5:30 hits and Bellamy’s not at her house yet. As it gets closer to 6, Clarke does start to wonder where he is. But she doesn’t want to text him in case he’s driving. She decides to start studying on her own.

Before she knows it, it’s 6:30, and at this point she knows Bellamy’s not going to show up. She brings the plate of brownies upstairs to see if her mom and Madi want any. When she gets back, her phone lights up with a text from Bellamy:

 

_Can’t make it after all. Something came up._

 

Clarke rolls her eyes at the text. He probably thinks this qualifies as an apology. She goes back to studying, but she can’t help thinking that Bellamy stood her up for Echo. It makes sense. This thing between them was never going to be permanent. The end just might be coming sooner than Clarke thought. And then Bellamy and Echo will get back together. It’s inevitable. She tries to keep it out of her mind so she can focus on her notes, but it still bothers her.

It’s still bothering her the next morning. So much so that she texts Finn to ask him for a ride to school. He seems worried as she and Madi get into the car.

“Are things good with you and Bellamy?” he asks.

“I’d rather not talk about it,” Clarke responds.

Finn nods, and they drive the rest of the way in silence.

Clarke doesn’t see Bellamy until she’s at her locker after first period. He doesn’t seem happy.

“I take it Finn gave you a ride this morning,” Bellamy comments.

Clarke doesn’t look at Bellamy. “Yes, he did.”

“I sat outside your house waiting for twenty minutes. The least you could have done was text me.”

At this Clarke closes her locker and finally faces him. “Oh, like you texted me last night? Was that supposed to make up for bailing on me? And for the time I wasted making you brownies?”

“I’m sorry, okay? Echo needed me.”

Clarke can’t say she’s surprised, but hearing it out loud doesn’t make it feel any better.

Bellamy takes Clarke’s hands in his. “Hey, look at me. I messed up. But I didn’t know what to do.”

“You can’t just drop everything and run to Echo when she feels like she needs you. How do you think that makes me look to her?”

“But I can’t just not be there for her.”

“But you’re not with her anymore, Bellamy. You have to find a way to be there for her differently. It can’t be like this.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll figure something else out.”

“And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I didn’t need a ride.”

“To be fair, I probably would have done the same thing,” Bellamy admits with a blush.

“Did you get a chance to study for the test?”

“No.”

Clarke sighs. “You can take a look at my notes at lunch.”

“What would I do without you, princess?” Bellamy smiles.

He puts an arm around Clarke as they walk to English together. Clarke smiles, but she can only smile so much, since the only thing she can think of is the expiration date on this relationship.

**…**

 

It’s the first time in a while that Clarke doesn’t have plans with Bellamy after school, since he’s going on a family outing. Bellamy explained that they happen every now and again when his mom feels like she hasn’t seen him in a while. Clarke doesn’t mind. She’s looking forward to maybe doing some painting or watching a movie by herself. She likes watching them with Bellamy, but he can sometimes ask too many questions.

Her plans are interrupted when she gets a text from Finn:

 

_Wanna go get food?_

_I’ll drive._

 

Clarke chuckles to herself as she responds.

_Sounds fun!_

 

She grabs her wallet and phone and heads downstairs to get her coat. She opens the front door to find Finn already in his car. He waves as she crosses her yard and gets into the car.

The drive to Ark Diner is fairly silent. They exchange normal pleasantries about how the school year is going. Finn remarks that this time last year he briefly considered running away so he wouldn’t have to finish junior year. Clarke doesn’t believe him, mostly because she remembers Raven worked really hard to help Finn make a consistent study schedule, but she doesn’t correct him.

“Is this going to be one of those days where you said you didn’t want fries, but then you eat all of mine anyway?” Finn asks once they’ve ordered.

“I’m not used to having my own. Especially since Bellamy and I always share,” Clarke answers.

Finn frowns. “You come here with Bellamy?”

“Sometimes. We like to eat food.”

“How are things going with him?”

“Things are fine.”

“He’s treating you well?”

Clarke scrunches her face. “Why does this feel like an interrogation?”

“I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I was just curious since you asked for that ride last week.”

“We were in a stupid fight, but we’re fine now.”

Finn nods, but it doesn’t seem like he believes Clarke, which annoys her.

“Bellamy is a nice guy. I don’t get why you and Raven are so quick to believe otherwise.”

Finn perks up at this. “Raven doesn’t like him either?”

“Neither of you know him.”

“Yeah, but doesn’t Raven not liking him mean something? I know how much you value her opinion.”

“Her opinion is based on assumptions, just like yours. It holds no meaning in this case.”

Finn nods as the waiter brings them their food. They eat in silence at first.

“So, how is Raven?” Finn asks after a while.

Clarke sighs. “I guess she’s okay. I haven’t really talked to her recently.”

“Because of the whole Bellamy thing?”

“Yeah. It didn’t end well, and I’m afraid she’s just going to keep bothering me about it if I try to talk to her about something else.”

“So I take it you don’t love me bothering you about it, either?”

“Haven’t I made it obvious?” Clarke jokes, taking a fry off Finn’s plate as she does.

Finn rolls his eyes and playfully bats Clarke’s hand away. Clarke laughs as she takes another fry off Finn’s plate.

The front door chimes, and Clarke can’t help but look to see who’s coming inside. It’s a force of habit. She just wishes she hadn’t, because she’s not expecting to make direct eye contact with Echo. Nobody from school ever comes to Ark Diner. Why did this have to be the one day that this would happen?

Echo almost smiles at Clarke, but it’s definitely not a nice smile. She pays for her takeout order and is gone almost as quickly as she arrived. Unfortunately her leaving doesn’t make Clarke feel any better.

Clarke’s outing with Finn continues normally enough, and before she knows it, she’s back at her house watching TV with Madi. They’d given up on waiting for Raven to watch Brooklyn 99 a while ago. They’ll just watch the new episodes over again when she gets back and pretend to be surprised. About halfway through the episode Clarke gets a text from Bellamy:

_Call me._

Bellamy isn’t really one to talk on the phone, so Clarke excuses herself from the living room to call him upstairs in her room. He picks up after the first ring.

“If you’re gonna hang out with Finn, can you at least not do it in public?” Bellamy says.

“Well hello to you, too,” Clarke responds.

“I’m serious, Clarke!”

“Nobody from school goes to the diner! This was just a freak coincidence.”

“But what if it happens again?”

“Bellamy, the whole point of this arrangement was for me to get things back to normal with Finn, and that’s starting to happen. How can I not be allowed to hang out with him in public?”

“Um, because it makes me look bad?”

“Oh, so I get to look bad when you go hang out with Echo, but you can’t look bad ever?”

Bellamy pauses before continuing. “I went to her house! The whole world didn’t know I was there.”

“And who is Echo going to tell besides you? Nobody at school cares about me. She only did it to bother you, and it clearly worked!”

“Well I just think you should be more careful.”

“If I have to be more careful, so should you. It’s not fair to put that all on me.”

Bellamy pauses again. “You’re right. I’m sorry. This whole argument seems a little silly, honestly.”

“Why, because we’re not actually dating?” Clarke jokes.

“Exactly.”

“We don’t have to talk about it anymore. And I really didn’t expect to see Echo there. The only people from school I’ve ever seen at the diner are you and Finn.”

“I believe you. I’ll see you tomorrow, princess. We’ve got lunch with my friends.”

“Right. How could I forget?”

Bellamy laughs, utters a soft “good night”, and hangs up.

Clarke puts her phone down and lies back on her bed, wondering how Bellamy can go from making her angry to making her want to melt at a moment's notice. That’s not a great feeling to have for your fake boyfriend.

**…**

 

Clarke is actually really starting to enjoy lunch with Bellamy and his friends. She’s started joining them more than once a week. They have a lot of weird jokes she doesn’t really understand, but it’s nice to spend a little more time with Bellamy. This lunch period they’re sharing a piece of cake that Bellamy brought from home.

“So when you’re in a relationship, do you just get used to the fact that you have to share all of your food? It doesn’t bother you that you don’t get it all to yourself?” Jasper asks.

“I brought it to share with Clarke,” Bellamy explains.

“You do know couples don’t have to share everything, right?” Monty jokes, nudging Jasper’s arm as he does so.

“Well it just seems like all Bellamy and Clarke ever do is share. But he never shared with Echo, so I guess you’re right.”

“I shared food with Echo!” Bellamy shouts. “It just wasn’t as often since she doesn’t like that many sweets. Clarke likes every dessert known to man.”

Clarke laughs as she moves to take another piece of cake, only to realize it’s the last bite.

“You can have it,” Bellamy insists.

“But it’s your cake,” Clarke says.

“Yeah, but I brought it to share with you.”

“And I had some. Now I want you to have the last bite.”

Bellamy laughs and opens his mouth for Clarke to give him the last piece. “You’re always looking out for me, princess.”

Clarke blushes and briefly forgets that there are other people at the table. That is, until Jasper breaks the silence.

“Wow, you guys are so cute it’s almost sickening.”

“Were Harper and I ever like this? If so, I apologize,” Monty adds.

“And why do you call Clarke princess?” Jasper wonders.

“It’s a joke,” Bellamy explains.

“Clarke, how come we don’t have any jokes together?”

Before she can answer Monty replies, “Jasper, you’re not in love with Clarke, of course you don’t have jokes with her.”

Clarke hopes there’s still a smile on her face, because she knows Bellamy’s not actually in love with her. And that fact is actually starting to bum her out. She somewhat tunes out the rest of the lunch conversation, which is Monty and Jasper trying to decide on Clarke and Bellamy’s couple name. They decide on Blarke, which Clarke doesn’t love. But what does it matter? She didn’t think she would get this attached to the idea of Bellamy being her boyfriend, but it’s almost December, and she’s actually rather sad that this isn’t real.

**…**

 

The weekend is a saving grace, since it allows Clarke to slightly distance herself from Bellamy and get a grip. She can’t be catching feelings. They said they weren’t going to do that. She tells herself that all of Saturday and most of Sunday as she mentally prepares to hang out with Bellamy and study on Sunday evening.

They’re sitting in comfy chairs at Starbucks, and they’ve done a good job of concentrating for the most part. Every now and again Clarke looks up from her laptop and notices Bellamy staring at her. At first she doesn’t think anything of it, but after a while she gets fed up and stares back.

“Did you need something?” she asks.

“Not immediately,” Bellamy answers.

“Then what’s the issue?”

“There’s no issue. I was just thinking we should start planning for the ski trip. You need your mom to sign a permission slip and stuff.”

“The ski trip is over winter break, why are you thinking about that now?”

“Because it’s almost December! Have you not noticed that?”

“I don’t know, Bellamy.”

“Clarke, it’ll be fun!”

“I don’t ski or snowboard, and I’m pretty sure I’d wipe out immediately.”

“I could teach you some basic stuff. And you can hang out in the ski lodge with your sketchbook when you don’t want to be on the slopes. They have great hot chocolate.”

Clarke can’t argue against hot chocolate. “I mean, if you really want me to go…”

“I really do,” Bellamy smiles.

“Okay, fine. I’ll go get the permission slip at school tomorrow. But you’re paying for my hot chocolate.”

“Anything for you.”

Not long after that they get in the car so Bellamy can drop Clarke off at home. It’s a really fun car ride. They sing along to all the songs on the radio, even the ones Bellamy claims he doesn’t like. Clarke doesn’t want it to end. But it does, and she thanks Bellamy for the ride, and they part ways until tomorrow.

It must have been the euphoria of the ride home that made Clarke completely forget to grab her small purse along with her backpack as she was leaving Bellamy’s Jeep, but it does turn into an issue. Her purse had her phone and house keys in it. Shit.

She thinks about knocking, but then remembers that Madi is sleeping over at a friend’s house and her mom texted earlier about having to go in to work for a delivery. She can’t even call Bellamy and tell him to turn around! Clarke thinks for another moment and remembers that Finn has a spare key. She puts her backpack on the porch, picks up a rock off the ground, and walks closer to Finn’s bedroom window. She’s not confident in her throwing abilities. She hopes he’s home as she throws the rock. It thankfully does hit his window. There’s movement as Finn opens his window and peers outside.

“You couldn’t have called?” he jokes.

“I left my phone and keys in Bellamy’s car,” Clarke explains. “Can you toss me the spare key?”

“Yeah, just give me a sec.” With that he closes the window and disappears. A few moments later, Finn’s front door opens and he comes outside, key in hand.

“You didn’t have to come all the way out,” Clarke protests.

“I wanted to.” He holds out the key to her. “How could Bellamy let you forget your stuff?”

“It’s not his fault. We were both just having a good time.”

“If you say so.”

“Finn, I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to do it for me.”

“I just think that--”

Thankfully, he’s cut off by Bellamy’s car horn. Clarke sighs and quickly thanks Finn before heading over to the driver’s side of the car.

“You left your bag,” Bellamy says.

“I know. Thanks for coming back.”

Bellamy nods. “Hey, is Finn still outside?”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Maybe. He doesn’t really trust you.”

Bellamy’s only response is to smirk before leaning out the window, placing a hand on Clarke’s face, and kissing her on the lips.

Clarke is briefly stunned, but she surprises herself by kissing back. It’s definitely not a long kiss, but once it’s over, Clarke wishes it were still happening.

Once he pulls away, Bellamy’s smirk has been replaced by a smile.

“See you tomorrow, princess.” He drives off before she can respond.

Once Clarke remembers she has legs, she heads back up her front walkway and goes inside. She immediately goes upstairs and falls back on her bed. She just kissed Bellamy. For real. And she didn’t hate it. She’s not sure what to do with this information. It’s technically in their contract that they’re not supposed to kiss on the lips, but this somehow didn’t feel like it was breaking the rules. She’s not really sure how to explain or justify the difference to herself.

She doesn’t get a chance to, since she’s interrupted by a phone call from Bellamy.

“Hello?” she answers.

“Hey.” He sounds uncertain.

“What’s up?”

“So about that kiss earlier? I didn’t mean to like break one of your rules. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

“I just really wanted to play up the whole you being over Finn thing for his benefit.”

“Yeah, I understand,” Clarke says.

“And I just wanted to check and make sure that we’re still on the same page.”

Clarke’s stomach drops. “Are we not on the same page?”

“I think it’s just good to check in. That this isn’t real, and there’s always gonna be an expiration date.”

“Yeah. Completely agree,” Clarke lies. She’s glad this conversation isn’t in person so her face can’t give her away.

“Okay, cool. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Yup.”

They hang up and Clarke almost wishes the kiss hadn’t happened. That way it would be a lot easier to make herself believe that all of this isn’t real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! I really love hearing what you guys think, so leave a comment and let me know. Thanks for all the love so far! I'm hoping to get back to updating every Tuesday, but I'm gonna be real with myself, it's probably not going to be every Tuesday. Just know I haven't abandoned the story and I'm still working on it. Thanks for sticking with me! :)


	8. He's Into You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the Finn-heavy chapter, but this one's pretty important!

The first weekend of December is when the Griffin sisters decide which Christmas cookies they’re going to bake to give out to their friends and family. It’s a fairly tedious process that involves everyone making their own lists from a tin of recipes and then combining the lists until they’ve all mutually agreed on ten types at most.

This is the first time they’ll be choosing the cookies without Raven. Clarke would feel worse about that if she and Raven were on better terms. It’s not that they’re not speaking. They exchange pleasantries when the whole family FaceTimes, and they send each other the occasional meme. But they haven’t really talked. Not since Raven found out about Bellamy.

Madi took it upon herself to invite Bellamy to help them choose cookies, since Raven wouldn’t be around. Clarke felt weird saying no, since she can’t explain that she’s trying to distance herself from her fake boyfriend because she’s catching real feelings. That’s something a crazy person would say. So basically, Clarke’s a crazy person in denial.

“Do you guys really make ten different types of cookies?” Bellamy asks as he sorts through the recipe tin. “How do you have the time?”

“We don’t always get through ten,” Clarke explains. “But we make at least two kinds a day once break starts.”

“Don’t you worry about them getting stale?”

“We give them out as we go,” Madi chimes in.

Bellamy nods. “Still seems like a lot of work.”

“Well you could always come help!”

“Madi, don’t volunteer Bellamy for something he doesn’t want to do,” Clarke scolds.

“I didn’t say that. It sounds kind of fun.”

“It’s so fun! And we can always use extra hands,” Madi says.

The doorbell rings, and Madi leaves the kitchen to answer it.

“Hey, you don’t have to come bake the cookies,” Clarke says once Madi’s out of earshot.

“I really don’t mind,” Bellamy insists.

“I know, but I’m just worried Madi’s getting a little too attached to you. I don’t want things to be hard for her when this is over.”

“I feel like you’re overthinking this.”

“What’s Clarke overthinking?” Madi asks as she ushers Finn into the kitchen.

“Nothing!” Clarke answers quickly. “Finn, I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“Well Madi said you were picking cookies today and that I should still come,” Finn explains.

Clarke nods and turns to Bellamy. He seems tense, and that makes Clarke tense. It really shouldn’t be that weird to hang out with Bellamy and Finn at the same time. Then again, there’s never been a reason for them to all hang out at once. In any case, this situation is not the best.

“Oh, I see Bellamy got an invite this year,” Finn remarks as Madi hands him a piece of paper and a pencil.

“Why wouldn’t he be invited?” Clarke asks. She pats Bellamy’s leg under the table, hoping he’ll remain calm.

“And it’s nice that you still got an invite this year even after you and Raven are broken up,” Bellamy adds.

“I was invited to pick Christmas cookies long before I dated Raven.”

“Hey!” Madi interrupts. “Less talking, more list making!”

They sit in relative silence as they get going with their individual lists, which Clarke is thankful for. She’s not a fan of needless drama, especially in her own home.

“Can I suggest a cookie my mom makes for me?” Bellamy asks.

Finn’s head pops up. “That’s not how this works.”

Clarke glares at Finn. “It’s okay. What kind of cookie is it?”

“She calls it a brownie batter cookie. It’s really chocolate-y and gooey. She made them up one year when I was refusing to eat desserts other than brownies.”

“Those actually sound really good.”

“Add them to your list,” Madi says.

“We do have a lot of chocolate ones, guys,” Finn interrupts. “Are you sure we should add another?”

“They’re not on the final list yet, just calm down,” Clarke says, hoping that’s all that’s needed to deescalate the situation.

Madi is in charge of the final list, so once they’ve all made their separate lists, they hand Madi their pieces of paper and she gets to work combining them. She takes the job very seriously. Clarke isn’t sure how much time has passed as Madi makes the list, because she’s too busy making sure Finn and Bellamy don’t have a verbal altercation. They all inspect the list once Madi is pleased with it.

“Man, you really didn’t like my cookie suggestions, did you?” Bellamy asks as he reads over the paper.

Clarke looks at the page over his shoulder to see that Madi has only selected his brownie batter cookie.

“It’s nothing personal, Bellamy. I’m just taking into account what we made last year, and you picked a lot of those. I’m excited to try your brownie batter one, though.”

“Well I’m glad that one made the cut, at least.” He stands up and stretches. “I should get ready to go.”

“Aww, do you have to? You could stay for dinner and help us decorate the tree,” Madi says.

“I wish I could, but it’s my turn to cook tonight.” He ruffles Madi’s hair.

“I’ll walk you out,” Clarke says as she stands up.

“Nice to see you,” Finn shouts. It’s really more of an afterthought, since Clarke and Bellamy had made it to the hallway by the time he said anything.

“I’m excited about your brownie cookies!” Clarke says once she and Bellamy are by the door.

Bellamy’s not paying attention. “He’s into you, you know.”

“Who, Finn? No he’s not.”

“He is. When you were looking through recipes he kept staring at you. It’s like he couldn’t look away.”

“That’s ridiculous. He still loves Raven.”

“It’s possible to like more than one person at once, Clarke.”

“Finn is my friend.”

“Yeah, he’s your friend who’s lying in wait for us to break up so he can make his move. I’m telling you, that’s the only thing holding him back.”

“Well I bet he and Raven are gonna get back together when she gets home for winter break.”

“Whoever is right pays for dinner at the diner,” Bellamy says, extending his hand for Clarke to shake.

Clarke shakes Bellamy’s hand. “Deal.”

“So excited for you to buy me dinner when it turns out I was right.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were jealous.”

Bellamy scoffs. “Of Finn Collins? Never.” He kisses Clarke on the cheek, even though nobody’s there to see, and heads to his car.

Clarke chuckles to herself as she shuts the front door behind Bellamy. Finn’s not into her. There’s no way. And Clarke doesn’t feel like staring is a good indication of whether or not someone likes her, seeing as Bellamy does it to her all the time. And Bellamy doesn’t like Clarke. He’s made that very clear.

Finn accepts Madi’s invitation to stay for dinner. They order Chinese while they decorate the Christmas tree. Clarke’s mom and Madi go pick up the food, leaving Clarke and Finn to work on the tree by themselves for a while. Things are less tense now that Bellamy’s gone, but Clarke isn’t a fan of the fact that Finn didn’t really try to be nice to Bellamy.

“So Madi really seems to like Bellamy,” Finn remarks.

“Yeah. She finally allowed him to call her Madi last week. He hasn’t been that proud of an accomplishment in a while,” Clarke says.

“It is a pretty big day when she lets you do that, though. I know it was for me.”

“He’s really good with her. I think it helps that he also has a little sister.”

Finn nods. He rifles through the ornament box, seemingly without a purpose. Clarke knows he still has something to say.

“What is it, Finn?”

“I think Bellamy seems like a good guy.”

Clarke isn’t sure she heard him correctly. “You do?”

“Yeah. You told me I shouldn’t pass judgement before actually knowing him a little.”

“You still don’t know him. You guys just kind of looked at each other the whole afternoon,” Clarke points out.

“Well from looking at him, he does not seem to be absolutely terrible.”

“I guess that’s an improvement.”

“And I kind of get why you like him. He’s nice to Madi, objectively attractive. But I just don’t think he’s right for you.”

“Finn, I really don’t want to have this conversation again.”

“You could get someone who’s five times better than Bellamy.”

“Have you ever stopped to think that Bellamy is all I want? I don’t want to do better!”

“If he’s all you want, then why did you send me that letter?”

“I didn’t send you that letter!” Clarke shouts. “I lost it, and someone else mailed it for me. You were never supposed to see it!”

“But it changes everything!” Finn insists.

“How?”

“Because if you had actually sent me that letter, it would have made a difference.”

Clarke pauses. She doesn’t like the way this sounds. “Are you saying you would have ended things with Raven to date me?”

“No, that’s not what I mean. But I liked you before I started dating Raven.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I almost kissed you once. A few summers back. We were walking home from a movie together. I can’t even remember what we saw. I just remember you going on this amazing, impassioned rant about everything that was wrong with it. And I thought to myself that I was going to work up the courage to kiss you once we got back to your house. But when we got there, you turned to me and told me that you were glad to have me as your best friend, and I didn’t want to mess that up.”

“I don’t get why you’re telling me this. It’s not like it’s going to make any difference.”

“I know. But I just wanted you to know that you’re my biggest ‘what if’. And I loved Raven, fuck, I still love Raven. But you’re important to me, too.”

Finally, it dawns on Clarke. “Oh my god. You’re jealous.”

“What?”

“That was your ridiculous, roundabout way of telling me you’re jealous. Because I’m with Bellamy, and you wish it were you.”

“Clarke, that’s not what I said.”

“It’s like we’re in some stupid teen movie. You thought that I’d never like anyone but you, and then eventually you’d come around to me, and we’d end up together. But you dated my sister, so I’m never going to date you now. And now I’m with Bellamy. And you’re jealous!”

“I didn’t say any of that,” Finn insists.

Clarke steps closer to Finn now that she’s got him all figured out.

“You didn’t have to. You never even gave Bellamy a chance, because you didn’t want to. The only thing that you don’t like about him is that he got to me before you did. And he would have still beat you to it either way, because our first kiss wasn’t even this year! It was in middle school! Honestly, Finn, this is way too predictable. I would have expected more from you.”

“Alright, fine! I’m jealous!” Finn shouts. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Clarke grins. In this moment she realizes how over Finn she is. In fact, she’d been over him for a lot longer than she realized. She’s even more sure when she notices that Finn’s face is far too close to hers and getting closer by the second.

Clarke is stunned when Finn’s lips hit hers. She kisses back for slightly too long before her brain starts functioning again. She pulls away and slaps Finn across the face.

“Ow!” Finn cups his cheek with his hand.

“What the fuck, Finn!”

“You said I was being too predictable!”

Clarke fights the urge to scream as she runs up the stairs and slams the door to her room. She hasn’t been this mad in a while. Eventually she hears the front door open and shut, which probably means Finn won’t be staying for dinner, much to her relief.

Finn kissed her. And she’s not at all happy about it. She wishes it hadn’t happened. Clarke’s thoughts flit back and forth between how hurt Raven would be if she found out and how smug Bellamy’s going to be when he finds out he was right. Both of those things sound terrible.

She’s angry that Finn would tell her any of what he just told her when he’s under the impression that she’s in a relationship, even if the whole thing is just an elaborate scheme. It all seems too little, too late. What does he gain from telling her he has feelings for her? There are only two things Clarke is sure of after this whole fiasco. One, she knows for a fact that she and Finn would never work romantically, and two, that she wishes Bellamy were the one who had just admitted he had feelings for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Thanks so much for all the love you're showing this story! I'm loving hearing your thoughts, and it's definitely keeping me motivated. 
> 
> And if you wanna talk to me about the current season of The 100, I'm on [Tumblr](https://mylifeiskara.tumblr.com/), though I don't think I've ever posted anything The 100 related, so I see how that could be confusing. But I've got thoughts.


	9. Can This Be Over?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not Tuesday, but here's an update!

Clarke told Bellamy a couple weeks ago that she didn’t need rides to school anymore. The reason she gave him was that she needed to get more driving practice in. She knew the real reason was to work on creating a little distance between them. This Monday morning is a morning that she’s glad of the distance, so she has a chance to figure out what to do before she sees Bellamy after first period, since she still hasn’t decided whether or not she should tell him that Finn kissed her.

Clarke drops Madi off and parks the car before heading into the school building. She’s walking pretty quickly since it’s cold outside, but she slows down when she hears someone calling her name.

“Clarke, hey!” Miller shouts as he runs to catch up with her.

“Hi, Miller. What’s up?”

“Um, so you remember I live across the street from Echo and Emori, right?”

“Yeah,” Clarke answers as they enter the building.

“Well on Saturday I overheard a lot of shouting, so I looked out the window to see what was going on. I saw that college guy Echo was seeing storming out of her house. He slammed his car door super hard. I’m guessing they broke up.”

“Oh.”

Miller stops walking and turns to look at Clarke. “You get what this means, don’t you?”

“I guess I don’t.”

“I don’t think Echo’s over the fact that you and Bellamy are together. She might start trying to get him back. I just thought I should warn you.”

“Oh. Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”

“See you around.” With that, Miller heads off to his locker.

Clarke isn’t sure what to do with this information. Sure, Echo might try to get Bellamy back. But it kind of seems like Bellamy is over Echo at this point. They’ve never really talked about it at length, but he’d stopped bringing her up in every conversation, and Clarke takes that as a good sign.

And even though her weekend was eventful this information seems like the kind of thing Emori would at least text her about. She’ll have to ask about it at lunch.

Clarke almost forgets about her kiss with Finn until Bellamy sits down next to her in English. He smiles and pats her on the arm before taking out his notebook and a pen. She can’t help but watch him throughout the class. She’s never seen him so focused. He even raises his hand to answer some questions today, but he did spend a great deal of their study session a week ago raving about how much he was enjoying _The Great Gatsby_.

Once English is over, Clarke follows Bellamy to his locker. This is a usual occurrence except for the fact that Clarke doesn’t say anything. She really doesn’t know what to say.

“Clarke, is everything okay?” Bellamy asks once they get to his locker.

“Eh, things could be better,” she responds, leaning against the locker next to his.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’ll put it this way. It looks like I owe you dinner.”

“Huh?”

“You were right. Finn is into me.”

Bellamy smirks. “Oh, really? And how’d you figure it out?”

“He kissed me.”

Bellamy doesn’t look so smug anymore. “What?”

“Finn kissed me.”

“What a fucking asshole! Who does he think he is, kissing someone else’s girlfriend?”

“Bell, keep your voice down! There’s no need to cause a scene.”

Bellamy takes a deep breath before continuing. “Sorry. It’s just that he’s got some nerve. Do you want me to talk to him?”

Clarke shakes her head. “I already slapped him, I think he knows he shouldn’t have done it.”

“Okay.” Bellamy closes his locker, then turns back to Clarke. “Did you kiss him back?”

“I didn’t want him to kiss me, Bellamy. I don’t have feelings for him anymore.”

Bellamy nods and kisses Clarke on the cheek.

“I’ll see you in physics.” With that, he heads off to his next class, leaving Clarke unsure of whether or not that interaction went well.

Clarke has never been more thankful to see Emori once lunch rolls around, especially since she hadn’t heard from her at all over the weekend. Emori skipped the period before lunch to get them french fries from McDonald’s, so that kind of makes up for the radio silence.

“Finn kissed you! Why would he do that?” Emori wonders aloud.

“He says he likes me, which honestly was a complete surprise.”

“I mean, you do have a talent for not knowing when guys like you. Bellamy liked you in eighth grade, and you didn’t even notice.”

Clarke stops eating mid-fry. “Bellamy didn’t like me back then.”

“He kissed you out of nowhere!”

“And then started dating Echo like a week later!”

“Nothing makes sense in middle school. But he liked you. And it’s not even that big a deal, since you guys are together now.”

Clarke hums in response and quickly changes the subject. “Miller told me that Echo broke up with that college guy.”

“Yeah. I just found out last night.”

“Is that why I heard it from him and not you?”

“Well I was going to tell you today! I just wasn’t home this weekend,” Emori explains.

“Where were you?”

“I went to DC to visit John.”

It takes Clarke a second to piece together who John is. “John Murphy from my summer camp?”

Emori blushes. “Yeah. We finally found a time to meet up.”

“You didn’t say anything!”

“I was afraid you would try and talk me out of going. So I only told Echo in case I ended up getting kidnapped. But I didn’t!”

“I’m glad. Did you have a nice time?”

“Yeah. We mostly just walked around and talked. He’s really sweet and funny. And he has family near here that he always visits at Christmas, so we’ll get to hang out again over winter break.”

“That’s great! I’m glad it worked out for you guys.”

“Me too. It’s nice to tell someone other than Echo about it. We had a really long talk last night when I got back, which is when she told me about her break up.”

Clarke nods and takes a moment before asking what she really wants to ask. “Do you think Echo’s going to try and get Bellamy back? That’s what Miller seemed to think.”

“She didn’t say she was going to, but I think it’d be a waste of her time,” Emori answers.

“But she also wouldn’t tell you something like that outright, since you’re friends with me.”

Emori puts her hand on top of Clarke’s. “This sounds like you’re more worried that Bellamy is going to want to take Echo back. And I don’t think he is. He really likes you, Clarke. You guys are gonna be okay.”

Emori’s words don’t make Clarke feel any better, but she smiles and pretends that they do.

Just when it seems like the day can’t get any worse, Clarke runs into Finn as she’s leaving physics at the end of the day.

“Hey,” Finn says as he falls into step with her.

“What do you want?” Clarke asks, not bothering to look at him.

“I think I should tell Raven about our kiss.”

This stops Clarke in her tracks. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“I’m not. I think she should know.”

“Finn, that might honestly be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Did you even stop to think about all the ways that could backfire?”

“I just thought I should be honest!”

“And get Raven all upset over nothing? If anyone should be the one to tell her, it’s me. But I’m not going to, because it didn’t mean anything.”

This seems to put Finn in his place. “I won’t say anything.” And he’s gone as quickly as he came.

By now Clarke has had it. This feels like the day from Hell, and she sees only one logical way to put a stop to it. She has a few minutes until she’s supposed to meet Madi, and she figures this won’t take long, so she makes her way to the gym.

The gym is almost empty when she gets there, and the few people that are working out are very spread out. She finds Bellamy on the treadmill and heads in his direction. He sees her coming and slows the machine down to a walking pace.

“Are you here to spot me?” Bellamy jokes.

“No. I’m here to end this.”

At this, Bellamy gets off the treadmill and lowers his voice as he steps closer to Clarke. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been walking around all day ready to lose my mind over Finn kissing me and wondering if Echo’s gonna try to get you back now that she’s single again. And I stopped for a second and remembered that those are things I don’t need to stress about if we’re not doing this anymore. Can this be over?” Clarke sighs.

“It can’t be over yet, what about the ski trip?”

“The ski trip was a contingency if we hadn’t gotten everything out of this that we could. Finn is sufficiently jealous, and you can get back with Echo now. There isn’t any reason for me to go.”

“You already turned in your forms. Your mom paid the non-refundable deposit. You might as well just come,” Bellamy pleads.

Her mom would be mad about the deposit, but she’s not ready to give in yet. “I don’t want to.”

“Clarke, it’s a weekend trip. We can easily stage a break up once we get back, if that’s what you really want.”

“I’ll only go if Emori goes. That way I have someone to keep me company in the ski lodge.”

Bellamy looks confused and a little exhausted at this. “Okay, I guess. She’s your friend though, you have to ask her.”

And that’s exactly what Clarke does when she hangs out with Emori later.

“You agreed to go on the ski trip? The ski trip is a hotbed of sin,” Emori says while highlighting something in her textbook.

“I told Bellamy I would think about it. I don’t know if I’d have fun.”

“I lost my virginity on the ski trip freshman year.”

“You told me you lost your virginity in the woods behind your house,” Clarke reminds her.

“Oh yeah. Well I know I definitely had sex on the ski trip. But that was my last school sanctioned overnight trip. They’re pretty dumb on the whole.”

“Well I told Bellamy I wasn’t going unless you were.”

Emori’s eyes widen. “Why would you tell him that?”

“Because I knew you wouldn’t want to go?”

“Clarke, you have to go! I’ll go if that’s what’s stopping you.”

“Why?”

“The ski trip has always been Echo and Bellamy’s thing. If you don’t go, she’s for sure going to take advantage of you not being there.”

“You told me earlier I had nothing to worry about with Echo.”

“No, I said you had nothing to worry about with Bellamy! But we can’t let her have the satisfaction of you not being there!”

“Emori, you really don’t have to,” Clarke pleads, even though she knows they’re past the point of no return.

“No, I want to. You and Bellamy are so good together, Clarke. I’ve never seen you light up this way, or get so excited about literally anything as when you talk about him. Echo ruined her good thing on her own, and I’m not gonna let her ruin something that’s also clearly making Bellamy happier too. If me going on the ski trip is the only way to get you to go, then I’m going.”

Clarke is glad to have a friend like Emori. Maybe not in this specific situation when she was counting on an out, but it’s nice to have someone in her corner who cares so much about her happiness. It’s just in this moment, Clarke isn’t as sure as Emori that her happiness lies with Bellamy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little short, but things are about to heat up!
> 
> Thanks so much for all the love on this story! I'm having a lot of fun writing it, and it's amazing that you guys are so excited about it. :)


	10. It's Always Been You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone else still dead from the last five minutes of the episode on Tuesday?
> 
> Anyways, it's time for the ski trip. Hope you guys enjoy!

Clarke is in the car at 6:45 in the morning on a Saturday and regretting it. She’s really not looking forward to the ski trip, but the sooner it’s over, the sooner she and Bellamy can be finished with their nonsense relationship, and she’ll finally be able to start getting over him. She and her mother sit in silence as her mom drives to the school parking lot.

“I’m really glad you’re going on this trip, Clarke,” Abby finally says.

Clarke turns to look at her mom. “You are?”

“I am! It’s been so nice to see you make some more friends this year. I was afraid with Raven gone you would just sit in your room and only hang out with Emori. And now you’re going skiing with all of your new friends! You’re going to have so much fun.”

Thankfully, Clarke doesn’t have to think of anything to respond with, since her mom pulls into the parking lot and stops the car.

“Thanks, Mom,” Clarke says as she gets her duffle bag and opens the car door.

“Be safe!”

Clarke waves her mother off and steels herself as she heads toward the bus. She puts her bag in the luggage hold and gets on the bus.

Once she’s inside she looks for people she knows. She spots Miller sitting next to the guy he’s been flirting with for a while, Bryan. She sees Bellamy sitting by himself. He’s got his backpack on the seat next to him. She also sees Emori, passed out in the back, a seat open next to her as well.

Bellamy looks up from his phone and grins when he sees Clarke. He motions for her to come sit next to him.

“I saved you a seat,” he says once she gets closer.

Clarke’s eyes dart from Bellamy to Emori in the back of the bus. “Oh. I uh-- I promised Emori I would sit with her.”

Bellamy turns his head to look at Emori. “She’s asleep, she won’t know the difference.”

“I’m the whole reason she came on the trip, it’s only fair. I’ll see you when we get there.” Clarke hurries up the aisle and plops down next to Emori.

Emori stirs as Clarke sits down next to her. “Why are you sitting here?”

“You don’t want me to keep you company?”

“You should keep Bellamy company.”

Clarke doesn’t respond, but instead watches as Echo gets on the bus, gestures to the empty seat next to Bellamy, and sits down. It kind of feels like Clarke played herself, but she still thinks distancing herself from Bellamy is the best thing to do. She’ll hang out with him once they get to the ski lodge. All she needs is the morning to herself.

The bus ride is pretty quiet, since most everyone sleeps through it. Clarke shares her peanut butter sandwich with Emori and tries not to stare ahead to where Bellamy and Echo are sitting. She doesn’t want to think about what they’re saying to each other. About an hour into the bus ride, Clarke is absolutely positive she played herself with her choice of seat partner, but there’s nothing she can do about it now.

Once they arrive at the ski resort, there’s a mad dash of everyone getting off the bus and going to put their bags in their rooms so they can hit the slopes. Clarke hangs back to avoid the large crowd. She spots Bellamy heading into the building and runs to catch up with him.

“Hi,” she says once she reaches him.

He turns his head to her and looks forward again. “Hey.”

“Good bus ride?”

“It was fine. I’ve gotta put my stuff down and get my gear. Monty and I always race down the hill first thing when we get here.”

“Okay. Well, come find me at lunch.”

“Yup.” And with that, he’s off to his hotel room.

Clarke chalks Bellamy’s tense mood up to being trapped on the bus for too long and puts her things down in her own room. She brings her sketchbook and phone back downstairs and sits in the lobby. Emori joins her after about ten minutes.

“So are you going to sit here and draw all day?” Emori asks as she sits down on the couch.

“It’s not like I know how to ski or anything. And Bellamy didn’t seem super inclined to teach me at this very moment.”

“Maybe if you had just sat with him on the bus, he wouldn’t be acting like this.”

“He doesn’t have to act like a baby just because I didn’t sit with him on the bus.”

“It probably would’ve improved his mood, though.”

Clarke ignores Emori and instead waves over Miller from the other side of the lobby.

“You guys don’t ski either?” he asks as he approaches.

“I know how,” Emori says. “But I’m realizing I was invited on this trip so someone could act like her boyfriend doesn’t exist.”

“That’s not the reason!” Clarke protests. “I enjoy your company.”

Miller sits down. “You’re avoiding Bellamy? Are you guys fighting?”

“No. And I’m not avoiding him. He went skiing with Monty, and I told him to find me at lunch. He’s gonna buy me hot chocolate.”

“That’s a good idea. I should convince Bryan to buy me a hot chocolate,” Miller decides.

“Why don’t you just get him to teach you how to ski?” Emori asks.

“I don’t want to look stupid in front of him.”

Emori rolls her eyes. “The two of you make absolutely no sense.”

“But if you put us together, we make perfect sense,” Clarke declares.

Emori puts her head in her hands as if admitting defeat. The three of them sit together until people start filtering back into the ski lodge around lunchtime. At this point Miller wanders off to find Bryan, and Emori goes upstairs to take a nap. Clarke stays in the lobby, hoping Bellamy will wander over eventually.

It takes about half an hour for Clarke to realize that Bellamy isn’t coming to find her. She sighs and gets up to go look for him herself. She finds him in the dining area. He’s alone by the drink dispenser, pouring himself another glass of water, so she makes her way over to him.

Clarke nudges his free arm. “Hey. You still owe me a hot chocolate.”

“Can I buy it for you later? I’m almost finished eating.”

“Well I would have asked for it earlier, but you didn’t come find me when you came back inside.”

“Sorry,” Bellamy says, not really looking at her. “I got sidetracked.”

Clarke is actually concerned now. “Bell, is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?” He gives a small smile and heads back to his table. That’s when Clarke notices who’s sitting there.

Clarke hasn’t seen Bellamy around Echo in public since Monty’s party, and it really stings to see them together. She’d known this whole time that they’ve gotten back to being friends, but it was always something she kept in the back of her mind. It was just better that way. So it really stings when they get up from the table together and head back out to the slopes. And Clarke knows it’s her own fault, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be upset about it.

Clarke stays in the dining area, since she hasn’t eaten lunch herself. She’s not very hungry, but she figures eating will pass the time. She decides to confront Bellamy once he gets back inside at the end of the day.

People start coming back inside as it gets dark. Bellamy is one of the last people in. Thankfully he’s alone. She runs to catch up with him and stops him before he can go anywhere else. He doesn’t look thrilled about it.

Clarke gets straight to the point. “What is up with you today? I feel like you’re avoiding me.”

Bellamy rolls his eyes. “You started it when you wouldn’t sit with me on the bus.”

“But you got to sit next to Echo. I thought I was doing you a favor.”

“No. I wanted to sit next to you. I brought us those doughnuts you like.”

“Oh. Well I’m sure Echo enjoyed them.”

“Echo doesn’t like doughnuts.”

“Bellamy, I’m sorry I didn’t sit with you. But you didn’t have to go through all that trouble for me.”

He shrugs. “I wanted to. Because I like you.”

Clarke is sure she’s misheard him. “I don’t-- I don’t understand.”

“I thought it was more obvious. Why do you think I kissed you in eighth grade?”

“To be perfectly honest, that kiss felt like a joke, because you started dating Echo almost immediately after.”

“Yeah, because I didn’t think you liked me back.”

Clarke takes a moment to process, so Bellamy takes that as his cue to keep speaking.

“I mean, at the beginning of this year, I did want to get back at Echo. But somewhere along the way this thing between us changed. It got real. And I know it wasn’t just me that felt it.”

“So why did you kiss me a month ago and then call me immediately after to remind me this wasn’t real?”

“I got scared. I didn’t want it to be like last time. So I was protecting myself, I guess.”

This whole thing almost feels too good to be true.

“But you love Echo,” Clarke declares.

“I loved Echo,” Bellamy clarifies, taking a step closer to Clarke and taking her hands in his. “And she’ll always be important to me. But I like you. And that’s what’s important now.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” He starts to lean in for a kiss, and Clarke isn’t sure how to handle it, so she lets go of Bellamy’s hands and takes a few steps back.

“Would you look at the time! I promised Emori we would do face masks. Bye!” She runs off, leaving Bellamy standing awkwardly in the hotel lobby.

In Clarke’s defense, the face mask excuse wasn’t a complete lie. She and Emori had planned to do face masks in their hotel room, and Miller said he would join them after he got dinner with Bryan. Clarke decides that since Bellamy confessed his feelings for her, their contract seems somewhat irrelevant, so she debriefs Miller and Emori on the entire situation. Once she’s finished they stare at her in disbelief.

“So you’re saying you guys have been faking it this entire time?” Miller asks.

“Yeah,” Clarke responds. She doesn’t get why they seem so confused.

“What a waste of time!” Emori finally says.

“It wasn’t a waste, I told you we had reasons!”

“No, I mean that you spent all that time pretending to date when you could have just dated from the start. You so clearly like each other. And neither of you are good actors. Remember our eighth grade play?”

Clarke wishes she didn’t remember the eighth grade play. Or that she had remembered any of her lines.

“Well maybe it wasn’t exactly a waste of time!” Miller says. “You guys hadn’t really talked since middle school and you got the chance to know each other again and realize you have feelings for each other.”

“When did I say I have feelings back?” Clarke asks.

“You didn’t need to. Like Emori said, you’re not a good actor.”

Clarke considers this for a moment. It’s not the worst thing in the world that she can’t pinpoint the exact moment when her thing with Bellamy stopped feeling fake. She probably wouldn’t have agreed to the whole thing if deep down she didn’t actually like him. And she loves having him in her life. She’s opened up to him so much at this point that it’s almost scary. She should probably be more scared, but this time it feels different.

“I like him a lot,” Clarke admits. “And when he told me he liked me, I don’t know why I froze up the way I did. It almost seemed too good to be true.”

Miller almost seems angry at this point. “I’m sorry, you’re telling me he told you with his own two lips that he likes you, and you’re sitting here right now?”

“Yes?”

“Clarke, he’s probably sitting alone in a hot tub being angsty, and what are you doing? Sitting here with us with goop on your face.”

She looks to Emori, who just shrugs in response. Clarke knows what she has to do.

She gets up from her bed and rummages through her bag for the bathing suit she didn’t think she’d need. She puts it on and then adds the hotel robe over top as she leaves the room with Emori and Miller’s blessing to go find Bellamy.

Clarke follows the signs to the pool area, only to find nobody there. She’s glad she looks out the window, because she does see Bellamy, and he is in fact sitting in a hot tub alone. She opens the door and is shocked by the cold air, but the outdoor patio is heated, so it’s only for a moment.

Bellamy doesn’t seem to hear her, and as she gets closer, she realizes his eyes are closed. She clears her throat so he knows someone is there.

He opens his eyes and is definitely surprised to see her. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you,” Clarke says, shedding her robe and stepping into the hot tub.

“What for?”

“I need to tell you something.” Her heart beats faster in her chest as she gets closer to him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She stops in front of him. “You were right.”

Bellamy smirks. “I was right? Now was that so hard to say?”

Clarke laughs and pushes his arm. “Stop! I like you.”

For once in his life it seems like Bellamy might be speechless. His smirk turns into a real smile. He wraps his arms around Clarke’s waist and pulls her closer to him.

“You know it’s always been you, right?” he finally says.

Clarke grins and presses her lips to his. She can feel his smile against hers and she never wants to lose that feeling.

Their kisses are soft and slow at first, as if they’re testing the waters. Eventually Bellamy pulls Clarke in so that she’s on his lap. She opens up and lets Bellamy’s tongue into her mouth. It’s still lazy and nice, as if they have nowhere else in the world to be. There really isn’t anywhere else Clarke would rather be right now.

She’s not sure how much time has passed before Bellamy reluctantly pulls away, pressing his forehead to hers.

“It’s probably past curfew,” Bellamy whispers, very much out of breath.

“I don’t care,” Clarke whispers back.

“Oh what, are you some type of delinquent now?”

“Maybe.”

Bellamy laughs and bites his lip. “We should probably go back inside, princess.”

Clarke immediately misses having Bellamy as close as he was moments ago as they stand up in the hot tub. They take turns drying off with the towel Bellamy brought outside, put on their robes, and hurry back inside. It’s definitely past curfew.

They walk hand in hand back to Clarke’s hotel room door. They don’t say anything, keeping a comfortable silence and occasionally bumping shoulders. Once they get to her door, she reaches for the doorknob, but Bellamy pulls her back in for one last, lingering kiss. When they pull apart, Bellamy has the dumbest grin Clarke has ever seen on his face, and her stomach gets butterflies thinking that she’s the cause of it.

“Good night, Clarke.”

“Good night, Bell.”

He kisses her cheek and heads off towards his own room. Clarke opens her door, only to find Emori already asleep. It’s surprising, since Emori isn’t usually one to go to bed early, but Clarke walks around quietly getting herself ready for bed. She can tell Emori the good news in the morning.

Once Clarke is in bed, she’s not sure she’ll be able to sleep a wink. Never in her wildest dreams did she think a guy like Bellamy Blake would ever talk to her, let alone want to be with her. But this isn’t a dream. And she couldn’t be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm loving hearing what you guys think, so thanks for all the love!
> 
> Since I'm at the point where I'm just writing and posting as I go, my new goal is to update not every Tuesday, but at least within the week of when I last posted. Everything is outlined, so I think this should be something I can stick to.


	11. Too Good to Be True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I did some restructuring with my outline or the next chapter would have been freakishly short. So this fic is going to be 14 chapters instead of 15.

Clarke wakes up still on a high from the night before. She can’t remember the last time she was this happy. Then again, not much exciting ever really happens to her. She rolls over and grabs her phone from the bedside table. She has a few unread text messages from Bellamy and Emori. She opens the ones from Emori first:

  _Went to breakfast, see u on the bus._

_Also I’m sitting with Miller ;)_

Clarke laughs and rolls her eyes, and then opens Bellamy’s message:

_First one to the bus saves the other a seat?_

It’s ridiculous how much this text makes Clarke smile.

_Okay._

_Do you still have those doughnuts?_

_Lol I do. :)_

That’s enough to get Clarke out of bed. She heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. She throws on a comfy outfit for the bus and throws the rest of her belongings back in her duffle bag. Once she’s out of the hotel room, she grabs a granola bar from the dining area and heads to the bus so she’s not late.

As she steps on, she’s met with applause and a couple of wolf whistles, mostly from the guys. She frowns but once she sees Bellamy in the back of the bus, everything else fades away. She heads up the aisle and plops down in the seat next to him.

“Hi,” he says before kissing her on the cheek.

“Hi. Why did all the guys clap when I got on the bus?”

“It’s just them joking around. They do it for all the couples.”

Clarke nods. “Where are the doughnuts?”

Bellamy laughs and pulls a bag of doughnuts out of his backpack. Even though they’re a day old, they still taste delicious. That might also have something to do with the fact that Clarke hasn’t eaten anything yet today.

Clarke and Bellamy spend the first leg of the bus ride talking quietly to each other and drifting in and out of sleep. Clarke learns Bellamy is extra cuddly when he’s sleepy. It’s definitely something she’ll have no trouble getting used to.

“Did you have a good rest of your night?” Bellamy mumbles into Clarke’s shoulder at one point.

“Yeah. I kind of had trouble getting to sleep,” Clarke mumbles back.

“Me too. I guess that’s why we’re so tired.”

Clarke nods and closes her eyes. They don’t say much else to each other, but it’s not like they need to.

After a couple hours, they stop at a rest stop so people can use the bathroom and stretch their legs. Bellamy goes to buy some more snacks for the next leg of the trip, and Clarke heads towards the women’s bathroom.

There aren’t many people in the bathroom, but Clarke exits the stall and finds herself next to Echo at the sinks.

“Hi, Clarke,” Echo says.

Clarke looks up from her sink. “Hi, Echo.”

“You know, I haven’t gotten the chance to thank you.”

“Thank me for what?”

“You and Bellamy have such a solid relationship, and it’s so good of you to be so chill about my friendship with him.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“I’m sure you know how into you he is, but it is so cute the way he gushes about you. I mean, he couldn’t stop talking about your steamy hot tub session last night when he came to my room.”

Clarke’s ears perk up at Echo’s last sentence. “Sorry, what?”

“Honestly, I was a little surprised that you would go so far in such a public place, but to each their own, I guess.”

“I don’t understand. All we did was make out.”

Echo shrugs. “That’s not what it looked like in the video.”

Clarke feels her stomach drop at those words. “Video? What video?”

“I can’t remember who showed it to me, but I’m sure you’ll get to the bottom of who filmed it.”

“I-- I have to go.” With that, Clarke rushes out of the bathroom. She hopes she can find Bellamy before he gets back on the bus.

Thankfully she finds him still looking for snacks. He smiles when he sees her, but begins to frown once she gets closer and he realizes she’s unhappy.

“What’s wrong?” Bellamy asks.

Clarke steps closer to him, not wanting to cause a scene. “Did you go to Echo’s room last night?”

“Yeah, but only to tell her that we’re not getting back together.”

“Then why did she just imply that you told her we had sex?”

“What? I didn’t say anything like that to her, just that I want to be with you!”

“Did you know that other people think we had sex last night, not just her?”

Bellamy pauses before he answers this time. “I did. But what’s the harm when we know we didn’t?”

“There is supposedly a video circulating that makes it look like we did! So you not saying anything to the contrary has made this whole situation a lot fucking worse!”

Bellamy stares at the ground, clearly lost for words.

“Oh my god! That’s why everyone clapped when I got on the bus. They think we had sex! And you just played it off like it was nothing.”

“Clarke, let me explain,” Bellamy says. He reaches for Clarke’s hand, but she pulls it away from him.

Tears are beginning to well up in Clarke’s eyes, but she doesn’t want Bellamy to see her cry.

“I can’t even look at you right now,” she says as she heads back to the bus.

She gets on and immediately seeks out Emori, who’s sitting in the back on her phone. Judging from the expression on her face, Clarke can tell she’s watching her accidental sex tape. Emori looks up once Clarke is standing in front of her. She immediately opens her arms, and Clarke sits down, finally letting her tears flow freely.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke,” Emori finally says.

Clarke allows herself to stop crying before she speaks. “I just feel like such an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot. You thought you could trust him. But guys will always find some way to prove you wrong.”

They don’t say much else the rest of the way back. In the end, Clarke is very glad that Emori ended up on the ski trip too. This whole situation would be way less bearable without her.

Once they’re back at school, Clarke hangs back and lets most everyone else get their bags before she gets her own out of the luggage hold. She had texted her mom about an hour ago so she hopes she’s already in the parking lot, or at least close by.

Clarke grabs her bag, only to be met by Bellamy, who had clearly been waiting for her.

“What do you want?” Clarke sighs.

“I just want to talk to you,” Bellamy pleads.

“What could you possibly have to say?”

“I didn’t know about the video until you said anything, if that’s what you’re wondering. I would never do that to you.”

“But you let everyone on the trip think we actually did have sex. And the video has for sure spread to the rest of the school at this point. You’re gonna come out of this whole thing completely unscathed, but it’s not gonna be that easy for me. I mean, Echo basically already called me a slut.”

“Clarke, I’m so sorry.”

“It just feels like last night didn’t mean anything to you after all.”

“Hey, that’s not true! It meant the world to me. Please, tell me how I can fix this.”

“Just don’t talk to me,” Clarke answers, tears beginning to fall again.

Bellamy looks as if he might cry. “What?”

“I don’t know who we were kidding. We never would have worked. I’m calling the whole thing off. Real and fake.”

“I--”

“Bye, Bellamy.”

Clarke turns and walks further into the parking lot before he can say anything else. She sees her car in the lot, which is odd, since her mom doesn’t like to drive that one. Then she sees who’s actually in the driver’s seat and it makes up for her shitty morning almost entirely.

Raven waves and hops out of the car as Clarke rushes to meet her. Clarke isn’t sure how long they hug for, but she doesn’t want to let her sister go.

“Raven, I missed you so much,” Clarke says as they finally pull apart.

“I missed you, too!” Raven says. “It was way too hard to talk to you when you weren’t right next door.”

Clarke is so excited that she pulls Raven in for another hug.

Raven laughs. “We should get going. It’s kind of cold out.”

Once they’re settled in the car, Clarke speaks again. “I didn’t realize you’d be back this weekend.”

“I finished my exams early and thought I’d surprise you and Madi,” Raven answers. “So you can imagine my surprise when Mom picked me up from the airport and told me you had gone on the ski trip!”

“Haha, yeah. I’m just as shocked as you are, honestly.”

“And I’m sorry for being so hard on you about Bellamy. I know you really like him, and Mom and Madi seem on board, so I’d like to actually take the chance to get to know him.”

Clarke sighs. “Oh. That won’t be necessary.”

“Why not?”

“We broke up.”

Raven takes her eyes off the road to glance at Clarke. “Didn’t you just go on this ski trip with him?”

“It ended this morning. I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

“Okay.”

“And don’t say anything to Mom or Madi. I don’t want them to treat me like they do when I’m sad.”

“I won’t. I’m really sorry, Clarke.”

Clarke just shrugs. “It’s for the best.”

They finish the ride home in silence. Once they’re inside, Clarke sees that they’ve finished up decorating the rest of the house in her absence. Unfortunately it’s a little hard for her to feel festive right now.

Clarke spends the next couple of days ignoring the outside world in favor of spending time with her sisters. She ignores all of Bellamy’s texts and calls. She doesn’t even answer Emori checking in on her. She’s sitting with Madi and Raven having a marathon of all The Office’s Christmas episodes when her phone starts to buzz again. She rolls her eyes, just about ready to text Bellamy back and tell him to stop. She’s surprised to see that it’s Finn texting her instead:

_Hey, just wanted to check that you’re ok._

_I’ve been hearing rumors about the ski trip._

_I just want you to know I don’t believe a word of them._

Clarke rolls her eyes again and locks her phone, not answering any of Finn’s messages. She turns her attention back to the TV.

“Who keeps blowing up your phone?” Raven wonders aloud.

Clarke shrugs. “Nobody. It’s not important.”

“They must think it’s important if they keep trying to reach you.”

“I can silence my phone, if that’s the issue.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

Clarke silences her phone anyway. She can feel both Madi and Raven staring at her, but she just keeps looking at the TV in hopes they’ll leave her alone and not press the matter any further. They finally take the hint.

The next day marks the first day of Christmas cookie making. Clarke and Raven are getting things set up in the kitchen.

“I hope you like the line-up Madi picked this year. She took it very seriously,” Clarke says as she plugs in the mixer.

“I’m sure you guys picked some good ones. Let’s start with the classics so that we can make a grocery list for the more complicated ones.”

Clarke nods as the doorbell rings. She frowns, but goes to answer it anyway. She has no idea who it could be. She’s not too pleased to see Bellamy once she opens the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“Madi told me I should come and help bake cookies,” Bellamy explains.

“How did she get your number?”

“I’m guessing she looked in your phone.”

Clarke makes a mental note to change her phone password as she pulls the door up to talk to Bellamy outside.

“So why are you really here?”

“I told you, Madi told me to come over. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. And I figured it might be easier to try and talk to you in person, since you won’t answer my calls and texts.”

“What’s left to say, Bellamy?”

“I wanted to give you a real apology,” he explains. “I’m sorry I let everyone think that we had sex. I didn’t think about how it would affect you, and it didn’t seem like a big deal in the moment. But I understand that it was to you. And I swear, I didn’t know about the video.”

“I believe you about the video. But I don’t know if I’m ready to accept your apology.”

Bellamy takes a step closer to Clarke, desperation in his eyes. “Is there anything else I can do?”

“I just need space! I thought I could trust you, but now I feel like I’m questioning everything you’ve ever said to me.”

“Clarke, is everything okay out here?” a voice calls from behind. She turns to see Finn has come outside and is making his way over to them.

Clarke and Bellamy both groan as he approaches.

“Not now, Finn. I can handle this.” She turns back to Bellamy.

Finn doesn’t listen and comes to a stop next to Clarke. “You have some nerve showing up here, Blake.”

“Finn, stop it!” Clarke pleads.

“It just goes to show how little you actually care about Clarke since you couldn’t stick up for her when it mattered.”

Bellamy laughs. “You’re one to talk. If you actually cared about Clarke, you wouldn’t insert yourself into things that don’t concern you. And you have a lot of nerve too, going around and kissing other people’s girlfriends!”

“You kissed Finn?” Raven asks.

Clarke, Finn, and Bellamy all turn their heads to where Raven is standing on the porch. Her eyes are starting to get big like they do before she cries.

“Raven, I can explain--” Clarke starts.

“Don’t bother.” With that she turns on her heels and goes back inside.

“I-- I didn’t know Raven was home,” Finn stutters.

“It’s not like she has any reason to tell you,” Clarke spits back. “Can you both just go, please?”

Finn nods and makes his way back to his house. Clarke looks at Bellamy for the first time in a few minutes. She can see tears forming in his eyes.

“I’ve meant everything I’ve ever said to you, princess. And if you don’t know that by now, then you really don’t know me at all.” With that he turns and walks back to his car.

Clarke is stunned. She can’t seem to move from where she’s standing. Sure, she’s upset that Bellamy came over in the first place, and that Finn just had to butt in. But she’s most upset that Raven had to find out about her kiss with Finn this way, especially when it felt so meaningless and unimportant to Clarke. She’s not sure how she can fix this, but she knows she has to. She can’t lose her sister, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowee, I'm so sorry. I'm still chugging away at finishing this up, but I'm hoping it'll be complete by the end of the month!


	12. I Still Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at the home stretch! I ended up merging two more chapters together as I was writing, so now there's only one left. Super excited to share this one with you all!

Clarke has given up on trying to get Raven to talk to her for the moment. When Raven found out about the kiss with Finn, Clarke went back inside to try and explain herself, but Raven’s door was already locked. Clarke hopes she just needs a little space, and that things will go back to normal before she goes back to Dublin.

The Griffin family has a very quiet Christmas, as Clarke and Raven make nice for the day so as not to upset Madi and their mother. It isn’t very hard to achieve, since after all the presents are opened, Raven just goes back upstairs to her room. Clarke still lets Raven have her space, even though she feels like she’s ready to break and apologize.

The morning after Christmas, Clarke leaves her room once to get a cup of coffee, then retreats back to try out some of her new paints that she got as presents. She puts on her headphones and realizes this is the most relaxed she’s felt since the whole ski trip debacle. She almost forgets about it completely until she looks up and sees her mom in her doorway, knocking softly on the doorframe.

Clarke takes her headphones off her ears and puts them around her neck. “What’s up?”

Abby walks further into Clarke’s room and sits down on the edge of the bed, motioning for Clarke to sit next to her. Clarke gets up from her desk and sits next to her mom, thoroughly confused.

“Let’s have a chat, Clarke,” Abby says.

“Okay?”

“Now, I know you make smart decisions. And I trust you know what’s best for you and your body.”

Clarke is lost. “What does this have to do with anything?”

Abby continues as if Clarke hadn’t spoken. “I just feel it’s my job as your mother to remind you now that you’re sexually active that it’s alright if you want to have sex, as long as it’s consensual and you’re being safe.”

Clarke can feel her face heating up, and she can’t seem to find her voice.

“I hope you and Bellamy are using protection every time. And it’s probably in your best interest if we make you an appointment with the gynecologist so you can start birth control.”

“Mom, I’m not having sex with Bellamy! I’m not having sex with anyone!” Clarke finally says.

“You don’t have to lie, sweetie. I’m not upset. I just want you to be careful.”

“Well there’s nothing to be careful with, because I am not sexually active!”

Abby nods and stands up. “I can see this might be a touchy subject. If you’d like to talk more about it later, just let me know.” With that, she leaves Clarke’s room.

Clarke doesn’t know whether to feel angry or embarrassed. Her mom questioning her about all the sex she’s not having came seemingly out of nowhere. And right when she was starting to forget about the ski trip nonsense altogether. That’s when it hits her.

She gets up from her bed and goes next door to Raven’s room, throwing open the door as she does. Raven is shocked. She must have thought she locked the door.

Clarke gets straight to the point. “Why did you tell Mom I’m having sex?”

“I was just looking out for you,” Raven answers.

“Bullshit. I’ve never had sex. Why won’t you just take my word for it?”

“Because that video is pretty damning evidence. I reported it, by the way. They took it down.”

“Raven, that video is not what it looks like! Please believe me.”

“I’m having a lot of trouble believing anything you say right now.”

“Look, I get you’re mad at me. That’s fair. But whether or not I’m having sex has nothing to do with that, and I don’t understand why you would get Mom all worked up over nothing!”

“It’s not nothing! It’s your body, Clarke. People might act like sex is no big deal, but it still is!”

Clarke folds her arms. “In that case, did you go straight to Mom after you had sex with Finn?”

Raven hops up from her bed and shuts her door. “How do you know about that? Did Finn tell you?”

“Does it matter how I found out?”

“Well yeah, since you kissed him.”

“I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me! Raven, you have to let me explain.”

“Alright, fine. You have one minute,” Raven decides as she sits back on her bed.

“Finn was my best friend. I wish that I knew I liked him before you started dating, but I didn’t figure it out until then. Since I couldn’t tell him how I felt without hurting either of you, I wrote him a letter that I never intended to send.”

“What makes you think I want to hear this?”

“You gave me a minute to explain, let me finish!” Clarke shouts.

Raven huffs, but motions for Clarke to continue.

“I never meant to send the letter, but I guess it got mixed up in the box of stuff I donated, so someone sent it for me. I didn’t want Finn to think I still had feelings for him, so Bellamy and I pretended to date. That way Finn would know that I was over him. Along the way I realized I actually liked Bellamy, and I guess Finn got mad seeing us together, and he admitted he was jealous and kissed me. And honestly, that kiss is how I know I like Bellamy way more than I ever liked Finn. You have to know that I would never do anything to hurt you like that, Raven. But it just seems like my letters did more harm than good.”

Raven takes a moment before saying, “That’s a pretty ridiculous situation you got yourself into.”

“And I wish you had been here to help me through it! I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“I understand. It almost sounds like your life turned into the plot of a teen romance movie while I was away.”

“Yeah, and I was so unequipped to handle it!”

Raven laughs, then motions for Clarke to join her on the bed and wraps her arms around her.

“I know I’ve definitely said this already, but it was so hard not having you here,” Clarke says.

“It was hard not being here. It felt like you didn’t need me anymore.”

“That’s not true! I still need you. I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess if you had been here.”

“Well next time you get a fake boyfriend, just pick up the phone. I’ll be sure to answer.”

Clarke smiles. “Thanks. And I’m sorry for not telling you about the kiss. I didn’t feel like I was keeping anything from you because kissing Finn didn’t mean anything to me, but I see how it still hurt you.”

“It’s not your fault. Finn’s kind of a dick. And I’m sorry, too. When I saw that video of you and Bellamy I think I got so worried because I was projecting my own experience onto it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Finn and I didn’t have sex until about two months before we broke up. For the longest time I was trying to stick to our dumb no sex until we’re 21 pact--”

“It wasn’t dumb!”

“It was dumb, Clarke. We were in middle school, and we didn’t know any better.”

Clarke sighs. “It was a little dumb.”

“Anyway, I was trying to stick to our pact, but I was starting to feel a little silly about how long we had been dating and the fact that we hadn’t had sex yet, so one day I just said fuck it and we didit. And for the last two months of the relationship I couldn’t help but think I had made a mistake. I thought I was ready, and maybe I was. But something about the whole thing felt off.”

“Was he nice to you?”

“Yeah, he was great. I’ve thought about it a lot since then, and I don’t think I ever loved Finn the way I thought I did. Like, I cared about him, but I wasn’t in love with him. And he would always express how much he loved me, and it just didn’t feel right. The break up was a long time coming.”

“I’m sorry, Raven.”

“Don’t be. You and Bellamy are not me and Finn.”

“Me and Bellamy were barely ever anything.”

“That’s not true. The timing might not have been right, but I think if it’s meant to be you’ll find your way back to each other.”

“You’re such an optimist,” Clarke remarks.

Raven grins. “I’m the oldest. It’s my job.”

Clarke laughs and hugs her sister again, glad that they’re finally back on speaking terms.

Making up with Raven makes winter break a whole lot easier. Now the pit in her stomach only has to do with going back to school knowing that everyone has seen the hot tub video. Even though Raven got it taken down, it was up for long enough to make the rounds. She’s sure people are talking about it, but she kind of hopes something else more interesting happens before school starts again that takes focus away from the ski trip.

Both Bellamy and Finn have finally stopped texting her, and she’s only responding to texts in her group chat with Emori and Miller. Murphy is in town visiting his family, so Emori keeps sending selfies of the two of them together. Clarke is happy to see her friend happy, but at the same time it sort of feels like a punch to the gut. Maybe she needs a distraction.

Clarke lifts her head up from her bed when she hears a knock on the door. Madi walks into the room with her hands behind her back.

“What’s up?” Clarke asks as she sits up fully.

“Nothing really. I just wanted to give this back to you.” Madi takes her hands from behind her back to hold Clarke’s memory box out in front of her.

“My memory box! I’ve been looking for this for months. I thought it accidentally got donated. Why do you have it?”

“A while ago I was looking in your room for some things to add to my collage for homeroom, and I saw the letters in the box, so I mailed them.”

Clarke takes a moment to compose herself before she answers. “You mailed my love letters?”

Madi gives a small nod and stares intently at the ground.

“You are only allowed a five second head start,” Clarke decides.

Madi turns and bolts out of the room and down the stairs. Clarke waits five seconds and sprints after her.

“Do you have any idea how much trouble you’ve caused me the past three months?” she shouts as she chases her little sister around the living room couch.

“I thought I was helping you!” Madi tries to explain. She dodges Clarke and makes a run for the kitchen.

“Nobody was ever supposed to see those letters. They were only for me!”

“If I hadn’t mailed them, you and Bellamy would never have gotten together! I could tell he was flirting with you when you almost hit him with the car. I just sped up the process. You should be thanking me!”

Clarke has Madi in a choke hold by the time Raven gets downstairs.

“What is going on?” Raven shouts.

“Madi mailed my love letters. She’s the reason this whole mess started in the first place,” Clarke explains.

“Is that supposed to justify why you have a twelve year old in a choke hold?”

Clarke groans and releases Madi, who flees across the room to stand behind Raven.

Raven turns to Madi. “Madi, why did you mail Clarke’s letters?”

“I felt like Clarke was gonna be lonely without you here, and she doesn’t hang out with Emori on the weekends because Emori likes to go to parties. And I was afraid when I started hanging out with my friends more, she wouldn’t have anyone. So I thought if I mailed them, maybe she’d have someone she could spend time with.”

“I didn’t need your help!” Clarke protests.

“Clearly you did!”

“Hey! Let’s all take it down a notch and breathe,” Raven interrupts. “Madi, do you get why Clarke is upset that you mailed those without her permission?”

“I do. I’m really sorry, Clarke. I just wanted you to be happy.”

Clarke sighs. “I don’t think you really get how much headache you’ve caused me. But it’s nice that you were looking out for me.”

She starts to move towards her sisters, but before she can get much closer, Raven clears her throat and motions with her head to Madi.

“And I’m sorry for putting you in a choke hold,” Clarke adds.

“It’s okay,” Madi says. “I deserved it.”

“Alright, bring it in, guys!” Raven says as she opens her arms.

Clarke and Madi rush to hug their older sister. It’s things like this that Clarke missed while Raven was in Dublin. It’s crazy to think that they only have a couple more days together before she has to go back. But she’s glad that they’re leaving things on good terms.

Clarke feels her phone buzz and notices she has a new text from Emori. It’s another selfie of her with Murphy. In this one he’s kissing her cheek as she’s laughing and snapping the picture. It’s a cute photo, and Clarke texts back saying so. She locks her phone and heads back upstairs to her room. She still very much needs a distraction. So she does the unthinkable. She starts to clean her room.

She starts by picking up all of her clothes off the floor and sorting them so she can do laundry later. Then she moves on to her desk, hoping that in the process she’ll find a hair tie so she can pull her hair back. No such luck. She can’t remember where she left any of them. She doesn’t find any on her dresser or her bedside table. Why is it that hair ties always disappear when she needs them most?

Clarke ends up back at her desk, rooting through her drawers. She finds what she’d expect to see in there. Paper clips, pencils, markers, scissors.

Scissors.

She eyes them, thinking how much easier everything would be if she just had shorter hair. And she knows this pair is sharp. That’s why she took them from the drawer downstairs. Clarke takes a breath and pulls the scissors out of the drawer before she can chicken out.

She stares at her reflection in the mirror as she decides where to cut her hair. She’s never done this by herself before. She takes some of her hair in her hand and moves the scissors closer with the other. She makes the first cut, leaving her hair to fall just below her chin. Clarke lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and keeps going. This isn’t so bad after all.

She works her way around her whole head until she’s standing in a pile of hair. She takes another look in the mirror and realizes she didn’t do the best job of making sure it looked even as she was going through. Maybe this was a mistake. Her eyes dart from the mirror, to her hair on the floor, and back to the mirror again. This was definitely a mistake.

Clarke thinks she vaguely heard the front door open a little while ago, which means her mom is home. She heads directly to her room and swings the door open.

Abby is startled by the abrupt entrance, but her eyes widen even more as she notices Clarke’s hair.

“Clarke?” she says as she puts her book down.

“I think I messed up,” Clarke decides. She’s determined not to cry.

Abby sighs. “You haven’t left the house in days. Let’s go for a drive.”

“With my head looking like this?”

“Put on a hat.”

She can see there’s no arguing with this arrangement, so she puts on her coat and hat and gets in the car with her mother. Clarke finds it a little concerning that she’s not allowed to know where they’re going, but when she sees that they’re pulling into the salon that her mom goes to, she sighs in relief.

Her hair is definitely fixable, according to the stylist. She helps to even it out, and when she’s done, Clarke has a proper bob. It’s exactly what she envisioned when she started to cut her hair. Now she no longer has to worry about going back to school with a shaggy head.

Once they’re done at the salon Abby decides they should get something to eat. They end up at the diner, which Clarke had no idea her mother knew existed.

“Your father used to take me here all the time when we first started dating. I haven’t been back since he died,” Abby admits once they have their drinks.

“I didn’t know that.”

“Well I don’t really talk about him all that much. I wish I could talk about him more, for you and your sisters’ sakes. It just makes me sad.”

“Mom, it’s okay to be sad. It’s hard. And it’s always gonna be hard.”

“I know, sweetie. But I would like to work on talking about him with you guys. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t know anything about him because of me.”

“We all have our own memories of him. And every now and again I tell Madi stories about him.”

Abby smiles. “That’s really nice.”

“He used to bring me here, too. I remember the first time he brought me was when Raven was going through that phase where she’d get tired of playing with me. We shared fries and a milkshake, and I instantly felt better. It was our thing. I come here a lot on my own now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It used to be the place I would go where nobody could find me. Then I started bringing Bellamy here.” Clarke stares into her milkshake and mentally scolds herself for wanting to cry at the mere mention of Bellamy’s name.

“You know, I don’t really know what happened between you and Bellamy. And you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But do you know what I do know?”

“What?”

“I know that ever since you two became friends again you’ve really opened up. You seem genuinely happy. And I know he was so smitten, even back in October when he came to pick you up for that party.”

Clarke has to hold back a snort, but her face must betray what she’s thinking.

“I’m serious!” Abby protests. “His eyes practically lit up when you came back downstairs. He really cares about you, Clarke. And I know you care about him.”

“I wish it were as simple as that.”

Abby puts her hand on top of Clarke’s. “It doesn’t have to be as difficult as you’re making it. But you guys will figure it out when you’re ready.”

Clarke didn’t realize how invested her mom was in the whole Bellamy saga. But it kind of makes sense. Her mom only wants to see her happy, and she gets that Bellamy usually plays a big part in that happiness. Clarke just hopes she’s right when she says they’ll figure it out. Because at this point, she’s not sure how much longer she wants to be sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the love on this story! I've really enjoyed writing it and sharing it with you. The last chapter will definitely be up before the end of this month.


	13. Dear Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the last one! So excited to share this with everyone :)

New Year’s Day has never been much of a special occasion in the Griffin household. It’s a lot quieter this year, since Raven went back to Dublin early to celebrate New Year’s with her friends. Before Raven left, she and Clarke ditched their no sex pact and made a new pact to never let an argument about boys to stop them from speaking to each other again. Clarke hopes this means they’ll do a better job of talking while Raven’s gone this semester.

Clarke invites Emori over to hang out for the day, since she knows she’s dying to gush about Murphy with someone, and Echo isn’t the best person to gush to. Even though Clarke doesn’t get a happy ending to her love story, she’s glad that her best friend can have one.

“We’ve had a lot of really long talks over the phone,” Emori says. “We talk at least once a week.”

Clarke nods.

Emori hesitates, but takes Clarke’s silence to mean she can continue. “And at first I felt kind of silly even mentioning that I can kind of see this being like an actual relationship. Like, who does long distance in high school? Do you know anybody who does that?”

“I guess Finn almost did with Raven. But I’m not sure that counts,” Clarke says.

“I don’t know if it does. But when we were at dinner yesterday, John told me that he doesn’t think he’s ever felt this way about anyone before. And that maybe we should try long distance.”

“That’s really nice.”

“I don’t know why I’m getting like this, Clarke! I feel like I never get mushy about guys. But John is so easy to talk to, and he makes me laugh. I think it’ll be worth it.”

“It’s okay to get mushy over a guy you really like. It’s a good thing. I’m happy for you, Emori. I really am.”

“Thanks. And thank you for letting me gush about him even though you’re sad.”

“Honestly, it’s just nice to hear about a relationship that’s actually working out.”

“So you don’t think it’s ever gonna work out with you and Bellamy?” Emori sounds sad when she says it.

Clarke shakes her head. “I don’t really know what I thought was gonna happen. Why did I think it would be a good idea to develop feelings for one of the most popular guys in school?”

“But he developed feelings for you, too!”

“Yeah, but I still ended up hurt. I opened up to someone new and let my guard down, and look where it got me. It’s the whole reason I don’t do romance or stuff like that.”

Emori grabs Clarke’s hands. “I know that it’s scary. I think you’re both scared. But that’s also part of the fun. Sure, there are times when things don’t go your way, but life is better when you have people to share it with.”

Clarke sighs. “I know. And I do miss him. I’m just worried that now I’ve waited too long or that I imagined that he felt the same way.”

“You didn’t imagine it.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I hadn’t seen Bellamy look at Echo the way he’s looked at you all school year in a long time.”

Clarke feels her face heat up, and she puts her head in her hands. She doesn’t know what to do with this information. She doesn’t have too long to think about it, since Madi runs downstairs with what seem to be pieces of scrap paper in her hands.

“Clarke, I almost forgot! I meant to give these to you when I gave you back your memory box, but you started chasing me so I got distracted,” Madi says as she flings the pieces of paper into Clarke’s lap.

“What are these?”

“They’re notes that Bellamy wrote you. I noticed you would always throw them away when you got home, so I started taking them out of the trash in case you wanted them.”

“I stopped reading them after the first couple days. They didn’t mean anything.”

Madi groans. “Just read them!”

“Fine!” Clarke opens the first one and squints trying to read Bellamy’s hastily written chicken scratch.

_Every time Cage Wallace says something dumb in English, I always look over to see what face you’re making. You’re my sole form of entertainment in that class, so thanks for that. :)_

_I noticed you kept your hair down all day. It looked really good!_

_I love that you love my bomber jacket. And it looks great on you. But eventually I would like it back. :P_

_I feel like you’re the only person I can really be myself with. I’m glad to have you in my life. :)_

Clarke doesn’t read anymore after that. She can’t decide whether she’s extremely sad or extremely happy.

“He wrote you little love letters!” Madi finally says.

“Yeah, I guess he did,” Clarke answers.

“If you think he doesn’t have feelings for you after reading those, you’re past help,” Emori groans.

Clarke smiles. She’s definitely extremely happy. “I think there’s something I have to do.”

Once Emori is gone, Clarke sits at her desk with a pen and paper and starts to write. Apparently, it’s the only way she can actually get her emotions across. Hopefully this will be her last love letter.

When she’s finished she puts it in an envelope and addresses it to Bellamy. She wants to hand deliver it, but her mom’s at the hospital, so she can’t get a ride. She puts on her coat and steels herself to drive to Bellamy’s house.

Clarke drives even slower than normal, seeing as there’s a little bit of snow on the ground. She’s not trying to die before this whole thing gets resolved. It seems like it takes an eternity, even though Bellamy only lives about fifteen minutes from her. She parks and takes a deep breath before getting out of the car, letter in hand, and walking up to the front door. She rings the bell, then practices once more in her head what she’s going to say when he answers.

She’s immediately thrown off, because Octavia answers the door instead.

“Oh,” is all Clarke can manage.

“Did you need something?” Octavia asks.

“Um, hi. Is your brother home?”

“Yeah. Do you want to talk to him?”

“Yes, please.”

Octavia nods. “Your hair is different. It’s better this way.”

“Thank you?”

“O, who are you talking to?” Bellamy asks as he makes his way to the front door. He goes silent when he sees Clarke.

“Is this weird for you?” Octavia asks in the silence.

“Go back inside,” he says to her once he seems to have found his voice again. She listens and he pulls the door shut behind him as he steps onto the porch.

Clarke isn’t sure this was such a good idea anymore. He does not look happy to see her. They stand there in silence for a good minute.

“I drove here!” Clarke eventually blurts out.

Bellamy narrows his eyes. “Okay? So you drove all the way here just to tell me that?”

“No!” She takes a breath before continuing. “I came to say I’m sorry for everything that happened, and I hope we can still be friends.”

“You couldn’t have sent that in a text?”

“Well you probably wouldn’t have answered it.”

Bellamy snorts. “Look who’s talking.”

“Okay, well. Happy New Year, I guess. I should go.” Clarke turns to leave, but Bellamy grabs her hand that has the letter in it.

“Wait. What’s this?”

“This? Oh, just something I told my mother I would mail. So I’m gonna do that, and then I’m gonna go home.”

“It’s addressed to me.”

“Why is your eyesight so good?” Clarke mumbles.

Bellamy pulls the letter from her hand, opens it, and begins to read. He stops and hands it back to her.

“What?” she asks.

“Read it to me. You always say I read too slowly.”

“Oh, that won’t be necessary.”

“Clarke. Please?”

She almost doesn’t look up at him, because she knows the exact face he’s making. Puppy dog eyes don’t normally work on Clarke, but for some reason Bellamy’s get her every time.

She sighs and takes the letter back. She begins to read.

“ _Dear Bellamy,_

_I’m not really sure when over the last few months it happened, but things with you got seemingly more complicated. I guess I started it by kissing you when I swore I never would again, but I also blame you for coming up with the idea that we should pretend to date in the first place._

_This whole thing has been weird for me, because I never expected us to talk again after middle school. That was something I had accepted and that I was okay with. People drift apart. It’s just an inevitable part of life. But I’ve never been more grateful that me almost hitting you with my car brought us back together. Because now I can’t imagine not having you in my life._

_Emori says that her new boyfriend is so easy to talk to and that he always makes her laugh. Your jokes really aren’t all that funny, yet you somehow always manage to make me at least chuckle. I think through all of this that we’ve been through you’ve become my best friend. Because not talking to you these past few days has made me really sad. And otherwise I don’t think I would laugh at your corny jokes._

_I miss you. And it’s honestly eating me up inside. I’ll see something on TV that I know you’d call historically inaccurate or a funny meme and want to tell you about it. But I get scared. I get scared that you don’t want to hear from me or that everything I thought we were was all in my head._

_I think I’m just scared in general because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I like you, Bellamy Blake. I like you so much it’s scary, but I’m tired of running from it. I want to lean into it because I know you’ll be there to catch me. I don’t think I’m ready to shout it from any rooftops like they do in some cheesy movies, but I at least want to tell you. I like you, and I really want us to work. I just hope it’s not too late._

_Love,_

_Clarke._ ”

Clarke can’t bring herself to look at Bellamy until he finally speaks.

“Do you really mean all of that?” he asks, a genuine smile on his face.

“I mean everything I write,” Clarke answers.

“Why didn’t you just lead with the letter?”

“I got worried when you didn’t look happy to see me.”

“I was just being guarded. I’ve been hoping you’d come for days now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Bellamy says, taking Clarke’s hands in his. “Because I like you, too, Clarke Griffin. In fact, I think I might be falling in love with you.”

Clarke ducks her head as she feels herself blushing, which only causes Bellamy to laugh. He lets go of her hands and moves them to either side of her face as he brings his lips to meet hers. They’re both so smiley that it doesn’t end up being a very long kiss. It’s still nice.

“So, what now?” Clarke asks as they pull apart.

Bellamy laughs again. “Whatever the hell we want.”

“We don’t need a contract or anything like that?”

“No. You don’t need a contract for a relationship. We just figure it out as we go. That’s part of the fun.”

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

This time Clarke goes in for a kiss. There’s something about kissing Bellamy that leaves her head spinning in the best way. Even though they’ve kissed before, it feels like the first time, and she doesn’t think she’ll ever tire of it.

She’s not sure how long they’ve been kissing, but it comes to an abrupt stop when Octavia opens the front door again. Clarke and Bellamy spring apart, and Clarke can definitely feel her face turning red. Octavia eyes them before speaking, a smirk not unlike Bellamy’s forming on her face.

“Mom says come inside and have some cider and doughnuts,” she finally says.

Bellamy turns to look at Clarke. “Up for some doughnuts, princess?”

“Always,” Clarke smiles.

Octavia rolls her eyes and heads back inside. Bellamy sneaks in one more kiss before he grabs Clarke’s hand and leads her into his house.

In all the scenarios Clarke had played out in her head as she drove to Bellamy’s earlier, this was not at all how she imagined the whole thing going, but she doesn’t mind. It’s fitting that her reunion with Bellamy should come with its fair share of surprises, just like their relationship. Clarke feels less afraid of the little surprises because she knows Bellamy will be there for her no matter what. It’s a new feeling, but one she’s excited about. She couldn’t be happier that this is the love letter that finally worked in her favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so, so much for all the love you've shown this fic! I haven't written a fic for anything since 2017, and it was really nice to write something again, and you all definitely kept me motivated to get it done. I've so enjoyed hearing what you guys think.
> 
> I'm admittedly not great at writing multiple things at once, so I have an idea in the works that I'm hoping to flesh out now that this is all finished. I do have some real life writing I need to focus on next, but I don't want to abandon my fic idea completely.
> 
> Thank you again for reading, and you can always come find me on [Tumblr!](https://sassmasterblake.tumblr.com/)


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